things what I writ

predictive blogs

August 1, 2005

f u cn rd ths then I’ve just installed lazyBlog® because I have so much to say but I can’t be bothered to say it and anyway I’m waiting for the chelsea one to hoof up here so we can spark off over globalization and decide we probably won’t meet in the middle but I’ll try and get products out and I’ll do press releases in Korea anyway before that vendor goes mad with slash press. I came across lazyBlog® while I was cross referencing the page I made with the online viking office supplies catalogue to see if there was any hidden meanings to my life that could possibly link a thousand nude californians and ink jet cartridges, but there wasn’t, unless I looked at them the wrong way round.

it’s apparently the first piece of blogging software from the folks responsible for the iBull, which I can see already has you shaking your leg under the desk. it works like predictive txt on cellphones, where you use you enter a 2 letter word with no meaning and you get back a 4 letter word with no meaning which is out of context when you didn’t even have one and you can’t erase because your head is under a bucket somewhere near the shropshire union canal. except lazyBlog® is much more gooder. it do all ur blog after you’ve only written one paragraph or so. it apparently uses a patented algorithm that analyses your online behaviour and tracks histories, bookmarks, previous blog entries, email, shopping lists, tampered photoshop files etc., building a unique picture of the person what you are and what you’re likely to be thinking at 12 oclock on monday morning after you’ve just driven from Norwich to Camberley and decided to go home again after you picked up a ream of paper and a couple of bics. so by the time I’ve got to about this point, everything you see from now on is probably machine generated. It might already be. In fact the fantastic futureheads album has 4 stars and can be found here. The super BBC news site has a interesting feature on baboons in Guatemala that features in Michael Palin’s new book ‘Baboons in Guatemela’ which is a vailable in all good bookshops. I saw a great special offer on ink cartidges today – 2 for 1 at PC World Business Direct. Hurry while stocks last. anyway, I see that there’s a lot of conversation about Open Source Software on some people’s blogs on some sites somewhere probably. I have something to say about that even though I don’t normally link to any software sites or buy it or talk about it, but I did once follow a link of th 19th June what did go to an OpenSolaris page for blogging thing someprobably. Have you seen my cat? I was reconstructing my garden after cycling through Surrey and Doctor Who who came on the TV and I like good wine and here is a picture of me at some event of other taken on my treo. I want to die. Why oh why doesn’t she like me? That President Bush…

hmm. it’s still beta. perhaps you can actually pay for it to remove the adverts. unless I actually just wrote all that. on my excellent Talin. Oi! stop it!

leaving today

July 20, 2005

time to go. not all of your friends will go with you I’m afraid, but then you’ve got some friends that are a bit annoying so actually that’s probably a good thing that I know you don’t really understand but one day when you’re reflecting on the last 20 years and those significant milestones you’ll think of the time you moved to middle school and actually it won’t be that bad because that’s where you got all those new friends that you’re now going off to India with to do something ultra worthy like working for oxfam or something or the cultural ambassador to lithuania that means it was all worthwhile

but right now, it’s the assembly so you get to sing all those songs you’ve been practicing all month and doing some kind of maypole extravaganza in front of the massed ranks of tissue wielding 30 somethings who work from home or don’t work at all and 70 somethings who have 30 somethings who remember the long hot summer of 1976 and who’s that boy on the right, oh, it’s a girl, you are just, and you know, so, well, oh, it’s not sad but you know they grow up and, booohooohoooo, hoohoo, sniff, bwaaaaaaaahhh. sorry.

harry potter and the thermos of white van

July 18, 2005

so gaz is back and this time its a multi-function base container with false floor and over pelment with deep battenberg and upside down brackets behind the french-english dictionary and the photo book like what you see in those mockups of casual designs for life in those magazines we buy and cut out little lifestyle pictures that I draw to scale and give back to gaz. we then discuss the merits of 70mil versus 90mil and liberating the picture rail like its been interred in some kind decorative style prison where the hatchet job that now lives in the cellar made out of old shoeboxes and twiddly snippings of ex-shelving units was on day release

by friday we’ll be turning all the lights down and sitting smoking fat old cigars in front of the antiqued features like we’re something out of gosford park, except we’ll be more like the scrags that shag in the pantry which I guess means we’re not quite so crushed by our sensibilities but by our stomachs which is probably a better place to be but it does mean I won’t be pontificating about beading and the cables for the aerial, sky and ntl, which is probably a good thing as I have no idea what I’m talking about and for goodness sake, why did I ever think that the vinyl collection would fit into that 1500mil space. you’ll have to leave the 12″s out and just keep the road album and mono stuff and by the way I’m just popping into sevenoaks to look at a pro-ject

so he then goes and sits in the van with cuppa tea and a couple of aspirins cos of this weather, like, and then it’ll be a start on the framework, which reminds me I should be finishing the resource list and capital expenditure for FY06 as I have to make a bunch of stuff up tomorrow in order to get the world to turn the other way in product marketing before the globalization schooner reaches the end of the earth and tips over the edge into the pit of sheol that is stuff I was planning to do but never finished the plan so I never did so it must be tuesday and there goes the circular saw and bf2 really makes your small finger hurt. I should stop ducking and start running. straight into an APV probably and get squished by some 12 year old 733t d00d called 5punkYm0nk3y or something that takes me 3 goes to work out by which time they’ve fixed the artillery and I’m respawning under a hail of shells and ragdolling through the gulf of oman like a deranged motion sickness crash test experiment.

what I’m trying to do is what I’m trying to do

July 14, 2005

so there’s five minutes left and no questions so I’m gonna just fill in to the end of the hour if that’s alright with you. I’m hoping that you’ll get embarrassed enough to fill in the gaps and you’ll start talking rubbish so that I can respond in a way which makes it sound like I really know what I’m talking about, but actually all I’m doing is having a conversation with you while 20 other people on the call are waiting for me to shut up already because they’re going to the gym and they want to avoid the rush when all the fat people go an hour early so that people don’t see them on the treadmill getting all sweaty especially at the moment when its 30 degrees and actually I have a condition which makes me smell like this

great, so, thanks everyone. I guess I’ll send you though the business requirements so that you can all review them and then we’ll make it kind of ad hoc when we get together because I don’t want another meeting and I have to go to the shops on friday and get some antibiotics so if we could engage via email that would be the solution I’m working towards if we’re all sweet. Yep, I’ll probably be ready with the plan right after the thing I’m doing next week which is really important as I’m going away for a long time after that to chatter with seagulls at a staithe and share one-legged experiences over video with a man from knebworth

any questions?

well, don’t look at me like that

July 13, 2005
dammit. had a repeating calendar entry that I didn’t repeat often enough and now I’m stuck here skypeing when I should be down there with the ham and cheese and guinea pig circus. its my turn as well, so I should be sat there with a cavey on my lap, cooing like a pigeon, but instead I’m getting my face gently blown by the hot air turbine that is my w2100z in my south facing room that happens to have a 28 degree early evening outside and a small generator in the corner pumping out co2 for christmas. I mean, I know I have to understand about resource bundles and locales and 2 column database queries and all that stuff, but really, I only had dave tellin me that he’s got the monkey down from aintree on the other line, so now I’m up a pony, but stuck with a PM doing a clap for the gaff. that’s not right, is it? still, when its tomorrow afternoon and I’m sticking one in the ear for demographics, then I be having a right laugh about it, cos he doesn’t really get it, and I’m giving it globalization and program boards and global simplification goals but its like “yis, but” so whatever.

so I’ve set it for the next 18 weeks and arranged for clive to drop the spanners an hour later so we can bang on about the nosh all relaxed without me sticking me hair down like a coal miner and reaching for the lynx. nice

when I hear the word democracy, I reach for my headphones

July 12, 2005

so I have to get back to rating. is that hot or not? is it a bit hot? is my leg moving? now that we’ve supplanted ourselves with the prosthetics and given up the healy its back to the 40 days and 40 minutes of back catalogue which god knows needs filtering through the doppler. you should have known it would happen like this really. one minute I was ripping it up on a four track fandango, after a chance meeting in the city ended up with a ride to the place we knew we would end up as soon as we stepped out of the door, the next you’d left and made that really quite rubbish effort where you were wearing that new york stylee wooly hat thinking that was the 90s beatnik look but in actual fact it was just the 90s wooly hat look and since you made it permanent I have to berate you now.

not since coventry was flattened has it been mobilized so frantically. I mean, its not like I’ve needed any excuse to sit here looking at the wall and reminiscing about long coats and spikes in my boots, but jesus, journeyman? where the hell did that come from? time to go pick a carpet and get back to earth. I think its somwhere between the orange and the fawn, but I wouldn’t want it to end up as taupe. even with flecks. that would be dreadful.

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