spontaneous contagiousnessness

August 16, 2005

excuse me. aaaaaaaaaaaah. that’s better.

I’ve spent 9 hours looking out of this window listening to collaborative nutmegs and ganttisms and I’ve become an uncontrollable twitching avatar of a onceperson. people pass about 20 feet from my upstairs window and they’re only on view for about 10 seconds (which is normally enough round here, I can tell you), but I’ve developed a curious bodily contagion that is a kind of overexaggerated group activity with me as the only knowing participant. 3 times in a row someone has strolled past barking into their clamshell and then taken a moment for a 5:30 yawn, at which point I’m uncontrollably flapping my head open in a contorted drawl, my eyes streaming with overegging and I’m collapsing on the beech veneer like I’ve not slept for a decade.

but that’s quite normal really. group yawns are pretty common. nothing to worry about. so why am I watching this group of UEA students stutter past in their half jeans and elvis shades, laughing like hyenas about someone they don’t like in waveney terrace, and suddenly breaking into an insane cackle during the conference call on platform globalization, much to everyone’s consternation? I don’t know. why am I flapping my arms about like a deranged water mill as an overgesticulating midlife crisis from the middle management at norwich union dribbles past, conversing unappropriately about Mike in accounts with his hands juggling an imaginary flock of seagulls in the phonebox of entrapment. search me. I just seem to be randomly picking up character traits from passing strangers as they flit across my periphery, like a bad tv interlude in my subconscious dribbling.

there’s another. she’s picking at creases in her skirt as she wafts through, and suddenly my office chair is decidedly uncomfortable. look at him, he’s poking a finger in his ear and scraping away the detrius of an unfulfilled working day. ditto. oh, there’s a dude swinging his limbs in time to the foo fighters on his iRiver. stop it, dammit. Im trying to type up a manifesto.

this day will end soon.

panel beating for beginners

August 11, 2005

so if its gonna be 800 quid to repaint the offside door and fit the wing mirror back into its rightful place then I’m not going to even think about what it’ll be after chav mcnasty from the west earlham posse and his 3-quarter length trouser friends have hoofed their reebok classics over the bonnet, roof and hatchback after they’ve been turfed out of weatherspoons at 1:30 in the morning. our neighbour’s brother’s dad’s mate’s cousin has done some work on her car but of course they’ll probably be back next week after a night out in KFC and they’ll sick on the sunroof or something. that’s why I’m going to beat out the panels myself. I’ll be taking a club hammer to the underside of the bodywork, with my head in the engine, battering out a pissup from last saturday while I curse yob culture and hit myself on the thumb, crushing my knuckles.

you can get stabbed 6 times on the top deck of the number 43 these days and nobody looks up from txting their girlfriend. I’m not starting a provincial vigilante group to roam the golden triangle with wet celery and brickbats, but if I had a big gun or something, I’d probably hang out the upstairs window for a couple of nights, just in case I got line of sight. I’ve been playing a computer game where I shoot people like that so I’ll probably complete the loop of virtual and actual bodily harm and provide a test case for the daily mail and get imprisoned for like, forever, just to deter other people like me who got pushed over the edge by nobrains who choose to indiscriminately wreck stuff while gurning like halfwits and ending up with a fine because they’re only 14. I mean, our car’s a bit rubbish, but that’s not the point. I’ll choose when to kick the wing mirrors off and jump on the roof, thanks.

lie down

August 10, 2005

so I had this thing right, where, like, you know, it was there but I just had to lie down cos I thought if I moved an’ that I’d be, you know, like, sort of falling? you know, internation all over, the, shop, like it was, well, I’ve still got it now but I’ll drag meself up to me desk and round it all off so that its ready for them upstairs, like what you have to, well you know, just to get you in so its like that really, innit? and then with your Panda 4×4 you can ‘ave it large and wheedle those spangles over ere after that pint of tap. christ on a bike, you’ve only gawn an done it now, anitcha? she’ll be dahn ere with her pointy sticks an stuff and I’ll be hoofing the servers until its autoblanced an’ I can get a decent cuppa tea. blimey! it aint much to ask, right?

I suppose you’re gonna be looking for a meeting about this as well. I got a list of names as long as yer arm mate, so let’s be avin’ yoooo.

yakuza. bless you.

August 4, 2005

Takeshi Kitano for 5:99. well, you would, wouldn’t you? I just went in there and got 3 of them and so I’m lining up my ‘beat’ weekend where I shall be hooking all my dvd peripherals up again and then staying up all night slunk in the leather armchair glued to the screen. even the boxes are out the other side of über. I might just slip in a copy of don’t look now while I’m there for a bit of a roeg moment. gotta love that wispy beard freaking out in the venetian winter.

did you see that?

August 3, 2005

that’s horrible. I didn’t mean to do it, but I just kind of forgot that I’d set up a webcam. I mean, I’ve done worse things but not captured quite like that before. I really am working, by the way. these phat headphones are for conference calls, I’m not doing a dave doubledecks down here while paul talks about globalization design docs and we check on status. I’m not really hoofing around the gulf of oman in an APC in battlefield2 while you’re talking about user-friendliness and reordering things in the authoring temaplates. look, I even sent out some kind of document or other to make it look like I was prepared. admittedly, I put it in the collaboration space so that it will time out before you can load it, but it’s there, really. it’s got knobs on

I watched 2 guys in space do some repointing on their mobile home on the internet today, which I was quite blasé about really. I mean, they’re 224 miles above the coast of france, hovering about on a giant white fork-lift truck contraption, picking out little bits of plastic from between slices of fiber cheesecake with their huge white fingers and I’m seeing this live, as it happens, because they’re got helmet-mounted (careful) cameras that are transmitting wirelessly to tracy island or something which is hooked up to some webserver or other that’s streaming stuff under the atlantic to the BT infrastructure that’s doing better for me today than chris and I’m sat here looking at a 4 inch square streaming video on my monitor in the upstairs office in norwich watching their every move. so that’s amazing, right? but am I bovvered? not really. it’s sunny outside and I’m leering out the window at 20 year olds on their way to top shop to get a new crop top for saturday cos gary’s takin her dahn Lava, innit?

so what I do on the webcam is really not very significant. unless my mum’s watching. she’d be horrified.

but you don’t print them

August 2, 2005

I’ve got a lot of them but you’ve never seen them even though they’re yours and you asked me to do it but you know if I have to log in as me then I can do that but you’re not connected so its too hard from here and anyway I haven’t got my cartridges refilled at cartridge world where they have that monstrous yellow shop front next to the cafe that used to be a shop that now has those middle class dropouts snuffling and snorting around redbush teabags in the half-light of a norfolk anticlimax, so I guess I should take up the viking offer before mr tim caynes! is no longer able to get the branded ones before it expires but, I mean, its better if I upload them to photobox, and we just need to work out which ones to add via that applet which takes 17 hours to complete and I know that you know we haven’t put any in for over 5 years but at least we’ve sorted some out from when she was 6 months and had sick in her hair, a bit like the other night after that implant rejected and we gave birth to a small intestine on the canal.

I mean, they only look posh, but they ain’t really so they’re only as posh as what you are like and me so don’t bother with them and I tell you, she’s just a nasty piece of work so I’m not going out of my way to do that out of hours stuff when I’ve got three dealers and a monkey with three donkeys to pay cos the hack’s gone down to newmarket with the dongle and my apparatus has crashed off the A47 into that ditch where bernard matthews pride of the east is cavorting with a lemon and squeezing the plums through the catflap. I mean, its good, but its not right.

things what I writ

spontaneous contagiousnessness

panel beating for beginners

lie down

yakuza. bless you.

did you see that?

but you don’t print them

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things what I writ

spontaneous contagiousnessness

panel beating for beginners

lie down

yakuza. bless you.

did you see that?

but you don’t print them

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