joystick am ridiculous

March 24, 2006

directing UTS through the maze of piffle today was just the first plank over the yellow canal. I’d left a message on the doorstep for any thick peasant or monkey-faced infant to peruse and it wasn’t clear whether I’d be transporting the flower at that time or just botching my fingers on a sticky mac, so I’m playing it safe. we’re not even entirely sure what we’re expecting from them, so it could be an enormous unstable bucket or maybe just something as madly simple as the press pole, so we’re premature with anticipation.

it’s an oversized milk monitor that bothers me at around 2:55 with a cardboard spatula and a paper gossip column, just as I’m about to trot to the avenues for the pretend fudge factory opening. after we’ve exchanged dust and a couple of words I’m suddenly deprecated, but don’t have time to gossip. we’re hanging inches from sleep and I have to get a move on. I know what it is now, having discounted the nano fragment apparatus, so the suspense is quashed, although the interest level is somewhere above throb pressure. I’ll just drop it on the bench and squish it later.

flick. flick. flick. ha, that’s funny. you see? those oranges really come out and if you look closely at the repulsive hard man, yeah, that’s right, crack-eyed dadboy. I think i’ll send one of these down to the notorious member for thick planet south and get the emotional mad memory reaction. I reckon it’ll be high on the lunatic table, but we’ll let the experts experience it first. then we can pick out our pie and be done in time for the beat music. don’t trip over the sponge.

what about the badgers

March 22, 2006

on the left on the right no, in the middle look its obvious you just don’t understand that’s the way and everything’s wrong. you’re supposed to connect that to there before you do that. I’ve got Dave coming up from leyton buzzard to stick the bits in and when he sees this he’s gonna go mental, I mean, where’s yer paperwork eh? you’re supposed to have 3 of these and I’m supposed to have 1. it looks to me like we’re gonna have to start all over again, because you told me I need these parts but you’re now telling me we need those parts and well, I haven’t got those on the back of the van so I’ll have to get round to wickes and do the components all over again, right? I mean, I know it’s not your house, but that’s not my problem is it? while their off on their holidays I’m holding you personally responsible, so don’t go off and decide all this stuff without me deciding that it’s all wrong, alright? where’s the badgers gonna go, eh?

badgers? badgers? you didn’t tell me about any stinking badgers, for chrissake. right, you see that bloke out there with the berghaus on? go tell him. he’s got no idea what we’re doing here and you can see him looking around like he’s lost his stick. get him in and we’ll get this all sorted, right?

i am natalie portman’s ipod

March 17, 2006

yes sirr.

lindsay lohan’s xbox 360 ban

March 9, 2006

utilizing web traffic methodologies and integrated scoring systems to mine the unknown customers that we know we don’t know should allow us to create evaluations for known prospects across campaigns to develop cultivation programs and be able to categorize and influence the rating after we capture them to drive to specific microsites to nurture them and cumulatively compile the feeds into the algorithm across campaigns and keep that data centralized in the single repository but maintain the sub-tier for increased clickthrough. so you’re also adding the layer between followup and interest and so yes the possibilities for the visitors you don’t have are critical even though they’re not really invested in the interest curve but we could provide it. but that’s probably only to do with the acquisition process but we have to progress on the cultivation and revenue generation but I might say that being the vp.

the time you spend on that thing will be appended to the incremental data that forms part of the discovery process and brings us to the qualification where we’re going to understand and be interesting to know about the specifics of how we want to manage the feeds and we are able to do that lookup but if we don’t use it then we’ll rate it but we’re not going to lose it so let’s not think about missing the deal but we have to wait and wait and wait until you tell us as much as we need to know just to know who you are and so what you’re likely to do. so we’re not going to do it because actually, well, we’re just not going to but you’re not asking me the right way so I don’t know whether you’re asking me for it even though we know that between this and that you’re most likely to have been asking for something else, but in a different way, which we haven’t worked out what to do about yet.

next time we’ll be learning about funnels, but on mute

johnny cash user experience

March 8, 2006

sat in the dark at 1am with a headset on and remote from them there’s a woman up there and she’s posting notes as I’m going on mute just to clear my throat and the man on the line is keeping score of forgotten stickies that fall to the floor and as the brains are storming in the conference room someone at the back with a voice of doom says ‘we need to get across the user tasks’ and we’re just about to reach for our engraved hip flasks when down from the heavens comes a noise like thunder – the monitor explodes on the desk I’m under so I’m calling up to god to save me from this hell and he cuts off skype and powers off the dell so I’m stumbling to the bathroom and in the pale white light I see my own reflection and I look like sh, well, a bit rough. I thangyew.

onto day 3 and I’ve filled the 25 hours I have allocated to this each day until a part of me falls off and so the gap I was advised to take between the 4 hours in the afternoon and the 6 hours in the evening has now disappeared as something even more vitally important has come up so it looks like it might just be cold pasta on my head while I’m on mute and a slammed door during the roundtable. such a lightweight. I dunno.

salma hayek collabspace accident

March 7, 2006

so I’ll set this up and we can drive it across all the strands of stuff because I mean we know just what we need to do but I’m not really sure that we quite know if there is a particular page we’re supposed to be colliding on because excuse us if we’re used to the morris 1100 haynes manual but we’re gonna have to get something straight by the close of business or we’ll all be at different layers. and yes, I’m still here.

I really didn’t expect to be ready to do any of this stuff yet but I understand just how critical it is to somebody somewhere because you’ve started to find out exactly what it is that they think their requirements are so I’m thinking that if we get something set up for 8am tomorrow then I guess we’ll have a strategy. oh, I know that’s not really a map to the standards but actually, in this case, we’re allowed to get it horribly wrong, so let’s just continue with the circles because they’re presented in a really logical order. if you’re still on the phone, I guess we can recap at this point. we dunno.

by this time webex is flashing my life before me, but with a 3 second delay, so I manage to pick out a couple of bits that I’d always wondered about and pinch myself before the virtual truck hits and maybe I’ll catch the end of the champions league or maybe say hello to the rest of the family as they close the bedroom door that I opened the last time I saw them this morning.

I’ve still got an hour on thursday I haven’t filled. how about that?

open dog skating

March 6, 2006

alright? ere. don’t let on to dave, but I just got this lot from a bloke in cheam an e reckons that there’s sumfin abaht nuffin going on dahn dagenham so I’s got to shift a bladdersworth before croaky gets back from the costa del sol an sees that blart from penge who’ll doubtless be on the case, right, so I’m gettin dahn the lockup later and we got a transit and a couple of befords gonna shift it down to stretford where graham can stick it in the warehouse until it all quietens down like. I mean, I ain’t got nuffin against that nonce bu e’s a liability ain’t e? I mean, you wos there right, when e ad that motor up from croydon an e was all makin out like it was like he’d won the bleedin lottery or suffin and dave was like ‘oi, you nonce, ave you won the bleedin lottery or suffin?’ and you know, well, that’s just like it is innit, so we ave to offload this load of rubbish or all hell breaks loose. its not like barry even took it up to luton like e was supposed to and so we’re all stuck waitin for the transport to shift it all nice an clean like, so nobody gets caught aht an noone gets clobbered, I mean you’d think it was common sense right to just lay one dahn ere so it just gets avoided but no, there’s alway some runt somewhere who’s gonna stick their foot right in it a spread it around all over the bleedin place an thas where the likes of you an me get the short end of it and ave to get the proverbial shovel aht and sort the bleedin mess aht. I mean, a bit of brains don’t cost nuffin, do they, so why’s e so short bleedin changed, eh? blimey, its freezin aht ere, ave you got one of them hats we were keepin? lovely.

james blunt toolbar

March 3, 2006

nothing happens in your town even though the windmill looks grand I went there a few times a while ago when I was running from a mad person and often we’re back there stamping through the clouds while we’re negotiating dykes and sluices and wondering how the hell we get to the deli on the blind corner and we find ourselves in the living room of a mother and son cafe society with fluffy cushions and bad rugs and we have to use their own bathroom which is just too strange so we’ll just get some fish and press our noses up against the pottery and we’ll head to the car should we? yes, that’s the windmill, let’s go now

if I were you I’d just drop a few letters so you get more sticky and then with a couple of plums and a shooting stick it’s off to the smoke for a good drubbing with a pointy stick and standard issue boot polish I’ll spit in your eye get over it but whatever got it to the point where you become acceptable then I’ve got nothing left to lose so we’ll all go missing for a while and when the sails creak around on the empty shell and there’s nothing left to stop us then maybe we’ll take the s-class down to brighton and crash the imperial hotel with our caps and scarves. you must be about version 3 by now and I know there’s a version 4 coming so don’t say no I wish I knew because that would just be lying and in that horrible dream where our lips met and daley thompson was doing back flips on the settee we remebered that there was always something more than this but we’d forgotten what it was even though I have that buzzing in my ear and a blister on my finger. I can’t be clearer that than, you know the way it goes.

look, a panda!

super 8

March 2, 2006

thaas that loomoo 63 — thass that loomoo 63 by Tim Caynes

he’s got a good hat an its got red and grey on it split dahn the middle but standing face to face e’s got nuthin to say and the lights dahn here won’t take you away but you could be a million miles away cos over there its those 3 with the bikes and we know they don’t mean it, but, I mean, there’s no harm in just keeping it dahn is there while she’s pinging in those strings and once e’s off the lead you know it’ll be a short person that will weave through those nice little piles up to the red bricks of the deco. but left undercover, man, it’s the free spirit trainers and an undiscovered patio but rest easy guv, its only him what knows how to take it, and it ain’t draggin you down so don’t get started before you’re halfway there cos left to its own devices it’ll probably sniff arahnd the lockup and everything will be sorted innit?

left for dead in the haymarket we just piled all that crap right into the back of the mercedes and the blond one from the black horse came out with her bottles and before you can say c-class estate she’s lobbing them over the lip of charlotte church who makes you want to really try and get over it but anyway, it’s stupid in these city lights to think that without getting you back it’s all gonna be alright. if you’re leaving then thaas alright but take it with you won’t you cos if we’re taking the time to just get this place straight then you might ave to lend us a hand cos it’s not like its a four star place you’ll barely scratch by with 2 and a wet pavement in whitby. I tell you what though, this ain’t bad, you oughta try it. mind you, I can’t think of a good place to put it so I guess it’ll end up with all the rest and it’ll just be a bit random like but it don’t take much to get it sorted does it, but then you don’t want to sort it do ya?

wait up, here comes barry. oi, barry, what do you reckon?

i say go!team, you say net!beans

March 1, 2006

truthfulness is next to godliness or something by Tim Caynes

having spent the previous evening in the company of a few suzi quattroalikes who were ‘a bit disappointed actually’ with the reincarnation of the early 80s that is editors and passed up the chance to get intimate in the arts centre with gemma hayes and about 200 other guardian readers who knew it was happening only the night before that because 3 nights out in a row for me would probably cause an earthquake or something, I took to the megane scenic in the rain and headed out to that lovliest of lovely venues the uea lower common room with a face on like a slapped arse and half a mind to just not bother because the day hadn’t really gone well with kids off sick and a bunch of other conspiratorial coincidences that pretty much just left me wanting to go to bed but hey, I got this ticket months ago and maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised and anyway I don’t have to go galavanting about down the front like an old gibbon on acid, I’ll just stand around the edge stroking my chin and tapping my foot like a lecturer who read a review in the independent that said they were the living embodiment of 70s pastiche mangled with a rock-hop sensibility and oozing intelligence and wit or something like that which I just made up

after the usual 2.70 please for the plastic stella I hung around the edge a bit watching half a woman shriek into the microphone while playing a modern bontempi and accompanied by a person I just could not see at all who was presumably banging a drum or something and as I only caught the last two numbers I couldn’t really decide if they were rubbish or not so I kind of just let them off and surveyed the scene as the lights went up to see how we’re doing tonight. ooh. lots of space down there. still, someone will fill it and have nice time, I’m sure. not me though. not tonight. I think I’ve got a headache. mind you, there’s a lot of space down there. it would be churlish of me not to fill it up a bit so that the place doesn’t look quite so empty. nah. I’ll stay here. hmm hm hmm. daa de dum. <tumbleweed> aah, go on then. plop.

no sooner have I drawn an imaginary chalk mark around my feet than another mad collective of people dribble onto the stage and I can tell from the hand-written scrawl on the drum kit that they are in fact the grates and as they launch into the first of a few, we’re struck by the singer who looks like a derenaged liz from blue peter on speed and is bouncing up and down and twirling around like an embarrassing mum after a couple too many guaranga teas at the green party toddler club disco and she is ably supported by something that looks like mo tucker but sounds like john bonham and some other bloke. they do songs I can’t understand and shout a lot but they’re all so bizarre that by the end of it they get the biggest reception that norwich can muster which isn’t a lot but it was more than editors got and so everyone is happy and we all go home. well, not yet. by this time I’ve even taken my trusty replay top off and tied it around my enormous waist in anticipation of some invigorating bouncing around as the whole place is now full and the pit that had breathing space a while ago is now the usual too-close-for-comfort layer of hell that we all know and love except there’s an unheathly number of stoners prowling about tonight so something is bound to kick off.

they never even tuned the lights after the grates, so we’ve been in the dark for a good half hour when mr fatman shines the torch and the place goes mental. it’s only the Go! Team for chissake. don’t you lot go out much? I wasn’t really expecting much but in the end they were a running jumping dancing tripping bundle of bedroom tinkering gone global and all the better for that I say with a suitably cheesy 70s backdrop projection and ninja shaking everyone up in the house the whole thing went off like an entire humungous box of fireworks had gone up by mistake and the sky was filled with swizzle sticks and public information monkeys flying by on magic raleigh choppers during the silver jubilee as a million samplers were blasting out the theme from grandstand mashed up with the flaming lips and salt and peppa and the ghost of chrismas future came down with a brand new super flight deck and a dx50 wrapped up in 3d wallpaper at least that’s how I remember it. they were brilliant. I danced like I’m only allowed out once a month and nobody cared because they were all doing the same and even all the tall people magically disappeared from the crowd so that all the short people could see the stage for once so there was indeed some kind of divine intervention going on and I saw people going back to the car park saying things like ‘aaw, that was amaaaazing’ even though it was pissing down.

Things what I writ