yellow zig zag

March 30, 2006

of course I can see you with your wrists out like that. you must be on the way to john lewis to pick up your filials. but back on the plot it’s got her very upset about the yellow lines and the torrential halfwits who career over 5 year olds to drop theirs onto the pavement. I’m stood here waiting for miss 1983 and I count 4 of you who should be lined up in Tescos and ridiculed with wet fish by some kind of extreme conservation society. suffice to say you are your own demographic determined by the container you’re in and that when the kidprint revolution comes, ours will be plastering a4 tickets under your rain sensitives and giving you the evils. the sun is out and I know you’ve probaby got a half shift up the ozzy or you’re late for a 9 oclock with Derek but you see we care less so we’re gonna stab your radials with titanium corkscrews and watch as your withered legs talk to your withered brain and try and get 2 and 2 to make a bit less than 5. 1 ton, 1 son. it’s not an entirely level playing field. I wouldn’t mind so much if you were actually concerned rather than just plain lazyarsed scumbags but that’s what you are. you’re worse than the pesky pavement cyclists. oops, there goes mad woman with the permit. all gone, love. come back tomorrow. nice coat.

joystick am ridiculous

March 24, 2006

directing UTS through the maze of piffle today was just the first plank over the yellow canal. I’d left a message on the doorstep for any thick peasant or monkey-faced infant to peruse and it wasn’t clear whether I’d be transporting the flower at that time or just botching my fingers on a sticky mac, so I’m playing it safe. we’re not even entirely sure what we’re expecting from them, so it could be an enormous unstable bucket or maybe just something as madly simple as the press pole, so we’re premature with anticipation.

it’s an oversized milk monitor that bothers me at around 2:55 with a cardboard spatula and a paper gossip column, just as I’m about to trot to the avenues for the pretend fudge factory opening. after we’ve exchanged dust and a couple of words I’m suddenly deprecated, but don’t have time to gossip. we’re hanging inches from sleep and I have to get a move on. I know what it is now, having discounted the nano fragment apparatus, so the suspense is quashed, although the interest level is somewhere above throb pressure. I’ll just drop it on the bench and squish it later.

flick. flick. flick. ha, that’s funny. you see? those oranges really come out and if you look closely at the repulsive hard man, yeah, that’s right, crack-eyed dadboy. I think i’ll send one of these down to the notorious member for thick planet south and get the emotional mad memory reaction. I reckon it’ll be high on the lunatic table, but we’ll let the experts experience it first. then we can pick out our pie and be done in time for the beat music. don’t trip over the sponge.

what about the badgers

March 22, 2006

on the left on the right no, in the middle look its obvious you just don’t understand that’s the way and everything’s wrong. you’re supposed to connect that to there before you do that. I’ve got Dave coming up from leyton buzzard to stick the bits in and when he sees this he’s gonna go mental, I mean, where’s yer paperwork eh? you’re supposed to have 3 of these and I’m supposed to have 1. it looks to me like we’re gonna have to start all over again, because you told me I need these parts but you’re now telling me we need those parts and well, I haven’t got those on the back of the van so I’ll have to get round to wickes and do the components all over again, right? I mean, I know it’s not your house, but that’s not my problem is it? while their off on their holidays I’m holding you personally responsible, so don’t go off and decide all this stuff without me deciding that it’s all wrong, alright? where’s the badgers gonna go, eh?

badgers? badgers? you didn’t tell me about any stinking badgers, for chrissake. right, you see that bloke out there with the berghaus on? go tell him. he’s got no idea what we’re doing here and you can see him looking around like he’s lost his stick. get him in and we’ll get this all sorted, right?

i am natalie portman’s ipod

March 17, 2006

yes sirr.

lindsay lohan’s xbox 360 ban

March 9, 2006

utilizing web traffic methodologies and integrated scoring systems to mine the unknown customers that we know we don’t know should allow us to create evaluations for known prospects across campaigns to develop cultivation programs and be able to categorize and influence the rating after we capture them to drive to specific microsites to nurture them and cumulatively compile the feeds into the algorithm across campaigns and keep that data centralized in the single repository but maintain the sub-tier for increased clickthrough. so you’re also adding the layer between followup and interest and so yes the possibilities for the visitors you don’t have are critical even though they’re not really invested in the interest curve but we could provide it. but that’s probably only to do with the acquisition process but we have to progress on the cultivation and revenue generation but I might say that being the vp.

the time you spend on that thing will be appended to the incremental data that forms part of the discovery process and brings us to the qualification where we’re going to understand and be interesting to know about the specifics of how we want to manage the feeds and we are able to do that lookup but if we don’t use it then we’ll rate it but we’re not going to lose it so let’s not think about missing the deal but we have to wait and wait and wait until you tell us as much as we need to know just to know who you are and so what you’re likely to do. so we’re not going to do it because actually, well, we’re just not going to but you’re not asking me the right way so I don’t know whether you’re asking me for it even though we know that between this and that you’re most likely to have been asking for something else, but in a different way, which we haven’t worked out what to do about yet.

next time we’ll be learning about funnels, but on mute

johnny cash user experience

March 8, 2006

sat in the dark at 1am with a headset on and remote from them there’s a woman up there and she’s posting notes as I’m going on mute just to clear my throat and the man on the line is keeping score of forgotten stickies that fall to the floor and as the brains are storming in the conference room someone at the back with a voice of doom says ‘we need to get across the user tasks’ and we’re just about to reach for our engraved hip flasks when down from the heavens comes a noise like thunder – the monitor explodes on the desk I’m under so I’m calling up to god to save me from this hell and he cuts off skype and powers off the dell so I’m stumbling to the bathroom and in the pale white light I see my own reflection and I look like sh, well, a bit rough. I thangyew.

onto day 3 and I’ve filled the 25 hours I have allocated to this each day until a part of me falls off and so the gap I was advised to take between the 4 hours in the afternoon and the 6 hours in the evening has now disappeared as something even more vitally important has come up so it looks like it might just be cold pasta on my head while I’m on mute and a slammed door during the roundtable. such a lightweight. I dunno.

things what I writ

yellow zig zag

joystick am ridiculous

what about the badgers

i am natalie portman’s ipod

lindsay lohan’s xbox 360 ban

johnny cash user experience

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things what I writ

yellow zig zag

joystick am ridiculous

what about the badgers

i am natalie portman’s ipod

lindsay lohan’s xbox 360 ban

johnny cash user experience

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