I’ll just shift that up there and tweak a bit of the list components and, ooh, I’ll add those dates you wanted and maybe, yeah, I’ll change the colour of that and, well, there’s a nasty looking hole there so excuse me while I spend the next hour making a small star in photoshop which serves no purpose except to look rather nice which is why you got me to do this right?
I didn’t just drop off, honestly, I mean, I know you won’t believe that vodafone decided to take away it’s network coverage and go home in a huff with it’s ball under it’s arm at 11 o’clock just as Bernard was about to point out some nice pictures I made of french people transacting with Sun via the funky localized teleweb experience but that’s just the way it was I mean I threw the n80 out the window and dug the v600i out from under a pile of reciepts from mexican restaurants in colorado and rammed the charger in it’s bottom and dialled the at&t number but nope it was still vodafone’s fault but it had taken 5 minutes to work that out so you’re all now thinking I either went to another meeting at 11 and just dropped you rather rudely or I got so bored by straining my ears to pick up the subtle tones of Han wandering around a conference room rearranging post-it notes into a deliverable that I simply hung up but not true, I was at that point untangling 13 feet of headphone cable so that I could ressurrect skype which I ditched months ago and try that instead except that took about 2 minutes to connect to the account server and when I finally dialled the number which takes an unfeasably long time when you’re clicking on a dialpad with a mouse, for some reason, I got through to a strangled beep and a whoosh of undersea cables trying in vain to support an audible conversation between 2 peers but in fact just painfully failing to do so in a head-stuck-in-a-bucket kind of way even though I shouted and I’m not sure whether you heard me at all but apologies if I blew up the starphone and so I, as a last resort, decide to try a landline. can you imagine? a landline? anyway, I got through on that no problem, although I could barely hear mrs at&t and then I remembered why I ditched the landline in the first place because after 17 handsets and 14 headsets I just couldn’t hear anybody with any of them and so this time I’m screwing up my face trying to hear if I’ve actually pressed a number on the keypad and eventually I hit the ‘pound key’ and am greeted by that exquisite phrase that tells you you’re either early for once, you need to press the star key now, or you’ve hopelessly misunderstood the instructions on the email and you should have been here yesterday at 10 pacific not 10 GMT, so in this case it means you’ve hung up on me because I obviously couldn’t be polite enough to excuse myself from the call but I couldn’t you see because I lost my network connection and I couldn’t send a text to Andy to let him know and as we’re in the UK, nobody takes their laptops into the conference room so I couldn’t even IM Chantelle to let her know what a hopeless case I am so I thought I’d just install performancing for firefox instead and give up on the day after I’ve wasted half an hour writing this to find out that I’ve got the xmlrpc settings wrong and when I submit, firefox will encounter a serious problem that will require it to close but not before it’s asked me why I think it’s just died on me, taking my new performancing plugin with it and a whole bunch of drivel to the page fault in the sky so actually what I’m going to do is open NOTEPAD and do a copy and paste of this entire thing before I, uh, hang on…
dammit
put that down it’ll only give you a chaff and anyway when was the last time you trotted into the fens and blathered over a minefield with your whippet, only to find that it took two hours to go a hundred years and by the time you realise it’s not worth it you’re already underneath the wheels of boredom and picking tunnocks teacakes from under your fingernails when there’s 100 best pop videos in the corner and a bucket of sausages waiting to be pumped through the transit of clapham with a crack magnet from penge. sort it out.
ah, right. that would be, well, it’s not so bad in real money. I am rather peckish. I don’t know what that is, or that, or that. that looks like some kind of evil granny biscuit. 2 quid for a snickers. I don’t even think I could bring myself to claim that back. hang on, what’s this key for? ooh. I see. nicely hidden under the tv like it usually is except it’s locked like it usually isn’t so it must have something really special in there. it’s got a nice little window at the top. never seen a window on a fridge before. ooh, look. they’ve put the very thing in that window that you’re likely to have an uncontrollable urge for after 18 hours of travelling having missed dinner and feeling like you have a mouthful of gravel and a brainful of lint. that’s right. sour cream and chives pringles. only a small tube mind. it’s hardly a tube at all, more like a tub. or maybe a tu. but it’s got pringles in and they is the sweet nectar of the gods of corporate hospitality, divine in their scallopness and at the same bewitching in their potatoiness. you can literally trip over the delicate crunchiness of those 32 holy cheesy wafers and immerse yourself in their soft duvet of saltiness. without doubt, you can expire and elevate to the paradise beyond this life after popping the last one.
but I’m not paying 4 dollars for them. you can swivel. I’ve still got a fruit bar I stole from British Airways.
its iterative you see that means I change little bits all the time no I’m not going to tell you which is which I put numbers on them so you can work it out but in case you think you have I’ve neglected to tell you whether they are finished or not because I don’t know whether they are except the one for mexico which isn’t so don’t start there but think about pulling a left at wal-mart and slipping some fructis and a couple of travel soaps into your lap while henrietta offloads the kansas city fire department into the disabled spot that’s rumbled by the fat bloke.
in 17 minutes it’ll be just as difficult to poke a stick at a melon so why don’t you check into the residence inn and stock up on doritos and sour cheese and I’ll bring over 3 litres of belch and we can sit laughing at pedestrians on el camino like what we were doing that time before but really you were on your own working out the time delay on being charged for videos and wondering where your fob was until the dixie chicks started mangling your banjo and the bottom fell out. the all seeing I.
good evening sir, what’s the purpose of your visit to the united states today? er, I’m working. oh, you’re working sir? do you have a visa? er, no I don’t. but you said you were working in the united states, so you must have a visa. um, but I don’t need one. what do you do when you are working? I’m not sure I understand what you mean. I mean sir, what does working mean to you? oh, er, I work in marketing and stuff, for a network computing company. yes, so what’s the purpose of your trip today sir? I, um, I’m just, er, visiting my work. just visiting? is that all, you’re not doing any work for your company while you’re here? well, yes, I… so what do you mean when you tell me you are working on this trip? what? what company do you work for mr caynes? sun microsystems. and how long have you worked for sun microsystems? 11 years. and what is the purpose of your visit to sun microsystems this time? er. it’s, um, business. so it’s a business trip? yes, no, I think so. for which you don’t need a visa? oh, yes. I see. yes, it’s a business trip, for which I don’t need a visa. and how long are you staying in the united states for this business trip for which you don’t require a visa? 5 days, no, dammit, 6 days. 6. and when was the last time you came to the united states on a business trip to sun microsystems? what? er, about 6 months ago. I think.
<pause>
that’s fine sir have a nice stay. next!
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