things what I writ

I’m smart me

November 1, 2006

you just need to think about making sure that when you express your projections and quantify your parameters that you are able to be inclusive when it comes to mapping back to a percentage of the experience and the incremental conversion rate based on your time-bound qualifiers but make sure you don’t ignore the quality because for example with 5.1.1 you’ll be sure to align against the 3 key flows and you have to generate quantitative measures against the apparently abstract deliverables or how can you measure how great you are. so think about that. you’ve got until friday.

on the other hand, you night be thinking that at this stage you’re just about ready to plunge into something completely different and it’s worth noting that there are any number of ways you might think about doing the things that you know you can do but don’t do so do them as it’s my job to ensure you attain those things as part of the competencies that map onto the paths which you’re allowed to change just let me know there’s plenty of things you can check out so don’t think you have to just do the same old same old but think about that development path as a parallel track down a lane of opportunity by a stream of aspiration running by the railroad of experiences into the depot of your life. or something. you’ve got until friday.

numbers

you said 7

October 31, 2006

no you didn’t. yes I did. no you didn’t. it’s not enough that he’s parading his feline hump around berkshire but when he got a chaff off the notorious monkey boy he got the right arse and so dave has got me ringing round at nine at night sorting out the bananas from the mars bars and grinding the bats into the portal where patrick and the partridge family are clapping out bizet as they scrape their faces with brownie spatulas. we have a nice one with a mouse on from the soldering iron of beelzebub but it sometimes sticks in the clist so we have to build up the ramparts before we can go conquering

it’s not my fault

give me a 727

October 31, 2006

what’s this? why do I get the crappy K reg from here to there? it’s not like it’s a little punt up the M5 or something and I know that they always get the ones with the scalloped wings and nxtv all over the place so why am I stuck in this velour hell with a back like half a concrete pipe you get in 70s playgrounds and warm breath piping under me like we’re brimstone powered and heading to network hell on the wings of a drunk phoenix who can’t be arsed to fly straight since he lost at cribbage to a gorgon down The Feathers last quiz night. why do we stop here? I have bad dreams about places like this on crimewatch and you expect us to take a short break while you bark at the moon in your smoke cloud, garbling monstrosities at glasses man and a teenage pariah, while we stumble into saw 4 in a portuguese toilet block stuffed with ceramica and grit?

the romans built it. they also dug holes in the ground and when they’d finished they dangled peasants over the lip until they dripped into a bucket. I’d say it’s inches from catastrophe, but the council say they have a large clap magnet that will clear it all up, so that’s alright.

goal!

October 30, 2006

I promise I’ll do that thing I said I would do in 2004 but we decided not to because this other thing came up but now it’s suddenly really important again so we need to have it done by the end of Q1 which is already finished so just say something like ‘rolled over into Q2 because of the ecommerce thing’ and start the process whereby you tell me what we’re going to do and then I tell you what you need to do it and then we work out why I can’t do it and we decide to put a stick in the ground which actually isn’t a stick anymore in the new system, so you need to find the stick from 2004 and see if it will go into the ground of 2006 and if not we’ll just say something like ‘during 2007’ and wait until april when we’ve forgotten we said you’d do it which you won’t have but it’ll be ok, don’t worry.

shark of three fives

October 27, 2006

burn and turn man, burn and turn. I don’t know what that means but I did it anyway and apparently beating a pair of aces with three fives three times in one night is just not cricket. Jennifer repeatedly says I’m a shark but honestly man, I just stepped of the plane from the old empire and all I know about is gin rummy and triangle sandwiches. I can’t help fleecing the web design team, even it Chris does eventually win after buying back in, which I think is a moral victory for me, but I can’t be sure. I personally blame Martin for having a gaming table with extra strong people magnets hidden inside so that every time you go to his house you get sucked unwittingly into the basement to start flipping around with his chips and fingering the edge of your cards like you’re on one of those programmes on the telly where the cameras are underneath the table spying on your cards.

I think it was a straight that did it in the end. that’s better than three fives, right? what about four? five?

primer schmimer

October 26, 2006

that looks awful. I mean, no, that’s terrible. you thought just washing it down and sanding off the bits of greasy finger detrius would be enough didn’t you, but now look at your first coat of one-coat brilliant white gloss. it’s not brilliant. or white. ok, it’s kind of glossy, but only in the way that dogs sometimes are. you should have put an undercoat on with that primer you found in the cellar, but no, you couldn’t be arsed, I mean, you only just spend 8000 quid on this bathroom and now you made a perfectly good stripped pine door look like a wall of old lady’s grey skin, wrinkled and pitted with random inexplicable indents and blemishes and bumps. look, you even managed to create a contour map of wales on that top corner. drips! you idiot.

still, 2 more coats later and you can now barely look upon the dazzling sheer white surface, perfect as an unopened melamine chopping board in waitrose and almost mirror-like in its shiny reflective glory. but I’m not doing the other side. or the 8 other doors. my arm hurts. and anyway, I chucked the brush in the bin because I couldn’t be bothered to clean it. everyone does that, don’t they? you don’t? oh, I expect your garden is perfect too. you’ve got a shed right? there’s no dust in it is there? thought so. grrr.

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