i run on vegetable oil

June 4, 2007

he’s a handyman. a handy man. lookit. his white van is converted. you know it’s all a myth, right? I mean, there’s so much money in inconvenient truths that if I so much as put one more bar on the fire entire thinktanks in south london will have to stack shelves in Tesco. see the irony? I’m scared though. I might drag a carbon box around by a piece of string, but it’s all my fault. I should have stopped driving to work but now it’s all too late and it’s my children that are gonna pay so just give us a fiver and we’ll plant a tree for you. I love airlines. they don’t care really. they know it’s all rubbish but who’s gonna fly if they don’t put their enormous cardboard boxes in the recycling? I am. and I’m going to dump my old fridge in your back garden. 17 plugs in the office. that should do for at least a decade. sorry kids! gotta finish this presentation! I’ll be back next week! mwwuuhahahaaa.

it is warm though. the sun’s gone mad just as I lose my hair. SO THAT’S MUCH MORE IMPORTANT. I don’t have time to wrap that up in newspaper, come on, give it here, just chuck it in the bin. footprints? it’s supposed to be like this. who are you to tell me it’s all gone mad? it’s supposed to. it happens all the time, it’s just that you weren’t there last time. I was. I was a camel.

hanging inches from a pie

June 1, 2007

guess who’s coming? it’s not physically possible but it’ll keep me going for at least couple of weeks. look over there. the bit at the front is just horrible. never mind. back on track and back to the box. cough. excuse me madam

it was so nice I just had to slip out for an hour and lurk around the bus stop trying to find tattoos, which was easy, but the sun was in the wrong place so they all looked like I’d masked them out on purpose, which they deserved, but it doesn’t make my book bigger. there’s a son for sale next door. he’s been up before but the angels spake and he hid under the carpet of spiritualism until 760044.

wah wah. hat. fast pace. see you down the pub. I never knew it was so big. of course, there it is. you know those people who decide to wear drainpipes on their stick-thin legs and cap their feet with converse? that’s you that is.

it was a lovely day for a wedding but that car was just stupid. there you go, tottering into the workshop with your brick and bangles. and you’re driving too fast. inexplicably everything stopped for moment and a red fiesta with a cherry on top reversed into the resident’s parking spot and out popped the biggest hair in christendom but she looked nice, not like that lot. ah, I see you got one of those ‘this is not a bag’ bags. stick it on ebay. ooh, your hair’s not as big as I thought. it must have been windy.

get me some dexys

June 1, 2007

not tonight I can’t be bothered the kids are away for half term and Ive grown a beard look I recorded the big weekend and it’s just got to bloc party what am I gonna do its 8 o’clock it’ll take me 20 minutes to walk down there but its not raining I suppose I’ll get back and do that stuff later the sheets are probably dry now I won’t be staying up that late again but does june 1st mean 00:00 june 1st or sometime around lunchtime. hang on, steam is in the US. that means about 3 o’clock. I’ll have to do work instead

tonight is the thing that last year was sh*tdisco datarock and the klaxons but this time it isn’t but everybody is having a nice time anyway. the little ones are like a mexican street band is it just me? pull tiger tail have one of those thin blokes who remind you of yourself 20 years ago but better so they’re good but I don’t recognize anything and I’m thinking actually he reminds me of the bloke from the klaxons and then the rumble strips come on and do a cover of an entire dexy’s midnight runners gig which is borderline norwich sound of the 80s and if they were fatter they could be serious drinking screen 3 and someone else all rolled into one but with a good voice like they all seem to have these days don’t anyone just shout like what they used to fair collection of two-toners and stoners where do they come from mind you it’s a cheap night out I just worked that out and here I am pint of stella.

derailed unfunny conversation

May 24, 2007

ponderously engaging with spreadsheet drivel wasn’t exactly the mirthfest we might have imagined but it seems we have been assimilated into the larger corporation whereby the key players do what they do what they do what they do. I had the dream again about crawling across el camino real and ending up in wendy’s for the rest of my life wearing a namebadge that just says ‘widget’ and people just stand in front of me saying ‘can I have it like that? (you can have it like that)’. it was spliced with the one about sideburns and buicks.

enough already. if I’m going to have to do real work it’ll be all mine. you can borrow it. but don’t kick it over mr ellis fence because he’ll stick a nail in it and put it in the bin, laughing maniacally to himself as his wife washes the sheets in the bath. it’s my turn. this is the last time you’ll have the chance. I saw manic street preachers last night and didn’t even go down the front because I’d just got back from the tower of london. does that make sense? we don’t have time for this now, so don’t go over all that again, it like we do every week. tsk.

I can do all that for nothing. stop spending my money.

gravity hammers

May 18, 2007

this is a reminder for your pm call on may 18 at 21:00 PT where you’re on the agenda to screech up on the kerb in your peugeot 406 taking out a couple of pavement cyclists and loitering in the residents spaces until the daily mirror starts curling up at the edges and every fragment of that cracked lunchbox gets sucked into the e430 whereupon all three spaces are filled and a thousand gravity hammers strike the black door into which you just eloped with your stomach and sunglasses I hope you never get your hands on the money that wouldn’t be right now. I used to have a roofbox. it was huge. but I couldn’t get into the multi-storey car park in brighton so we drove back to the garage and left it there when we sold the house no not really I can’t even remember. 3 stars.

over the road, up on the hill, facing the garden, the blanket shutters haven’t come down for a while. soon there’ll be busloads of scraming oafs over there, manging about the pub garden and licking the dirt off their fingers. oh my god. a tank top.

ironic really thus

May 16, 2007

if you look very carefully you can uncover a complete history. except the bits I can’t remember. which just goes to show that even though the solution can only be remote parabolic matrix approaches, it needs to be able to support responsive envelope decommission. take our approach to version 2. jump. whey! but I’m stuck with version 1 problems that we’ve not fixed for 10 years. hands up who would like 700 e-mails emails Emails from this web site website. you. good. except you’re not allowed. get to the back of the class.

here’s the argument: Supporting the network with quality audience hot spots means we’re able to position the argument as monetized catalyst nuances. which is clear. if you don’t understand this then you shall be assigned to a developer. what hope nay future do we forsee whereby antelopes furrow bewildered for a coolthreads server unto a plate of eels. let us know how you feel. is this cool? I’m obfuscated, but I know someone who mighr be able to sell you service. can you hold? experiencing network congestion, please wwait…

meaning all that it’s apparent we’ll always have a backward future. the legacy of the spiralling blob we fight to control means every improvement is based on a foundation of quag. 1 step forward and 7 country home pages back. we all understand that globalization is the key to heterogenous monitored time-phases, but, in essence, barry in leatherhead can’t spend his money cos ur rubbsh. fix it.

things what I writ

i run on vegetable oil

hanging inches from a pie

get me some dexys

derailed unfunny conversation

gravity hammers

ironic really thus

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things what I writ

i run on vegetable oil

hanging inches from a pie

get me some dexys

derailed unfunny conversation

gravity hammers

ironic really thus

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