goal!

October 30, 2006

I promise I’ll do that thing I said I would do in 2004 but we decided not to because this other thing came up but now it’s suddenly really important again so we need to have it done by the end of Q1 which is already finished so just say something like ‘rolled over into Q2 because of the ecommerce thing’ and start the process whereby you tell me what we’re going to do and then I tell you what you need to do it and then we work out why I can’t do it and we decide to put a stick in the ground which actually isn’t a stick anymore in the new system, so you need to find the stick from 2004 and see if it will go into the ground of 2006 and if not we’ll just say something like ‘during 2007’ and wait until april when we’ve forgotten we said you’d do it which you won’t have but it’ll be ok, don’t worry.

shark of three fives

October 27, 2006

burn and turn man, burn and turn. I don’t know what that means but I did it anyway and apparently beating a pair of aces with three fives three times in one night is just not cricket. Jennifer repeatedly says I’m a shark but honestly man, I just stepped of the plane from the old empire and all I know about is gin rummy and triangle sandwiches. I can’t help fleecing the web design team, even it Chris does eventually win after buying back in, which I think is a moral victory for me, but I can’t be sure. I personally blame Martin for having a gaming table with extra strong people magnets hidden inside so that every time you go to his house you get sucked unwittingly into the basement to start flipping around with his chips and fingering the edge of your cards like you’re on one of those programmes on the telly where the cameras are underneath the table spying on your cards.

I think it was a straight that did it in the end. that’s better than three fives, right? what about four? five?

primer schmimer

October 26, 2006

that looks awful. I mean, no, that’s terrible. you thought just washing it down and sanding off the bits of greasy finger detrius would be enough didn’t you, but now look at your first coat of one-coat brilliant white gloss. it’s not brilliant. or white. ok, it’s kind of glossy, but only in the way that dogs sometimes are. you should have put an undercoat on with that primer you found in the cellar, but no, you couldn’t be arsed, I mean, you only just spend 8000 quid on this bathroom and now you made a perfectly good stripped pine door look like a wall of old lady’s grey skin, wrinkled and pitted with random inexplicable indents and blemishes and bumps. look, you even managed to create a contour map of wales on that top corner. drips! you idiot.

still, 2 more coats later and you can now barely look upon the dazzling sheer white surface, perfect as an unopened melamine chopping board in waitrose and almost mirror-like in its shiny reflective glory. but I’m not doing the other side. or the 8 other doors. my arm hurts. and anyway, I chucked the brush in the bin because I couldn’t be bothered to clean it. everyone does that, don’t they? you don’t? oh, I expect your garden is perfect too. you’ve got a shed right? there’s no dust in it is there? thought so. grrr.

cor blimey

October 26, 2006

I’ll just shift that up there and tweak a bit of the list components and, ooh, I’ll add those dates you wanted and maybe, yeah, I’ll change the colour of that and, well, there’s a nasty looking hole there so excuse me while I spend the next hour making a small star in photoshop which serves no purpose except to look rather nice which is why you got me to do this right?

v600 n80 tca151em go!

October 24, 2006

I didn’t just drop off, honestly, I mean, I know you won’t believe that vodafone decided to take away it’s network coverage and go home in a huff with it’s ball under it’s arm at 11 o’clock just as Bernard was about to point out some nice pictures I made of french people transacting with Sun via the funky localized teleweb experience but that’s just the way it was I mean I threw the n80 out the window and dug the v600i out from under a pile of reciepts from mexican restaurants in colorado and rammed the charger in it’s bottom and dialled the at&t number but nope it was still vodafone’s fault but it had taken 5 minutes to work that out so you’re all now thinking I either went to another meeting at 11 and just dropped you rather rudely or I got so bored by straining my ears to pick up the subtle tones of Han wandering around a conference room rearranging post-it notes into a deliverable that I simply hung up but not true, I was at that point untangling 13 feet of headphone cable so that I could ressurrect skype which I ditched months ago and try that instead except that took about 2 minutes to connect to the account server and when I finally dialled the number which takes an unfeasably long time when you’re clicking on a dialpad with a mouse, for some reason, I got through to a strangled beep and a whoosh of undersea cables trying in vain to support an audible conversation between 2 peers but in fact just painfully failing to do so in a head-stuck-in-a-bucket kind of way even though I shouted and I’m not sure whether you heard me at all but apologies if I blew up the starphone and so I, as a last resort, decide to try a landline. can you imagine? a landline? anyway, I got through on that no problem, although I could barely hear mrs at&t and then I remembered why I ditched the landline in the first place because after 17 handsets and 14 headsets I just couldn’t hear anybody with any of them and so this time I’m screwing up my face trying to hear if I’ve actually pressed a number on the keypad and eventually I hit the ‘pound key’ and am greeted by that exquisite phrase that tells you you’re either early for once, you need to press the star key now, or you’ve hopelessly misunderstood the instructions on the email and you should have been here yesterday at 10 pacific not 10 GMT, so in this case it means you’ve hung up on me because I obviously couldn’t be polite enough to excuse myself from the call but I couldn’t you see because I lost my network connection and I couldn’t send a text to Andy to let him know and as we’re in the UK, nobody takes their laptops into the conference room so I couldn’t even IM Chantelle to let her know what a hopeless case I am so I thought I’d just install performancing for firefox instead and give up on the day after I’ve wasted half an hour writing this to find out that I’ve got the xmlrpc settings wrong and when I submit, firefox will encounter a serious problem that will require it to close but not before it’s asked me why I think it’s just died on me, taking my new performancing plugin with it and a whole bunch of drivel to the page fault in the sky so actually what I’m going to do is open NOTEPAD and do a copy and paste of this entire thing before I, uh, hang on…

dammit

install now

October 21, 2006

put that down it’ll only give you a chaff and anyway when was the last time you trotted into the fens and blathered over a minefield with your whippet, only to find that it took two hours to go a hundred years and by the time you realise it’s not worth it you’re already underneath the wheels of boredom and picking tunnocks teacakes from under your fingernails when there’s 100 best pop videos in the corner and a bucket of sausages waiting to be pumped through the transit of clapham with a crack magnet from penge. sort it out.

damien hurst pringle selection

October 19, 2006

ah, right. that would be, well, it’s not so bad in real money. I am rather peckish. I don’t know what that is, or that, or that. that looks like some kind of evil granny biscuit. 2 quid for a snickers. I don’t even think I could bring myself to claim that back. hang on, what’s this key for? ooh. I see. nicely hidden under the tv like it usually is except it’s locked like it usually isn’t so it must have something really special in there. it’s got a nice little window at the top. never seen a window on a fridge before. ooh, look. they’ve put the very thing in that window that you’re likely to have an uncontrollable urge for after 18 hours of travelling having missed dinner and feeling like you have a mouthful of gravel and a brainful of lint. that’s right. sour cream and chives pringles. only a small tube mind. it’s hardly a tube at all, more like a tub. or maybe a tu. but it’s got pringles in and they is the sweet nectar of the gods of corporate hospitality, divine in their scallopness and at the same bewitching in their potatoiness. you can literally trip over the delicate crunchiness of those 32 holy cheesy wafers and immerse yourself in their soft duvet of saltiness. without doubt, you can expire and elevate to the paradise beyond this life after popping the last one.

but I’m not paying 4 dollars for them. you can swivel. I’ve still got a fruit bar I stole from British Airways.

design this

October 11, 2006

its iterative you see that means I change little bits all the time no I’m not going to tell you which is which I put numbers on them so you can work it out but in case you think you have I’ve neglected to tell you whether they are finished or not because I don’t know whether they are except the one for mexico which isn’t so don’t start there but think about pulling a left at wal-mart and slipping some fructis and a couple of travel soaps into your lap while henrietta offloads the kansas city fire department into the disabled spot that’s rumbled by the fat bloke.

in 17 minutes it’ll be just as difficult to poke a stick at a melon so why don’t you check into the residence inn and stock up on doritos and sour cheese and I’ll bring over 3 litres of belch and we can sit laughing at pedestrians on el camino like what we were doing that time before but really you were on your own working out the time delay on being charged for videos and wondering where your fob was until the dixie chicks started mangling your banjo and the bottom fell out. the all seeing I.

behind the line

October 10, 2006

good evening sir, what’s the purpose of your visit to the united states today? er, I’m working. oh, you’re working sir? do you have a visa? er, no I don’t. but you said you were working in the united states, so you must have a visa. um, but I don’t need one. what do you do when you are working? I’m not sure I understand what you mean. I mean sir, what does working mean to you? oh, er, I work in marketing and stuff, for a network computing company. yes, so what’s the purpose of your trip today sir? I, um, I’m just, er, visiting my work. just visiting? is that all, you’re not doing any work for your company while you’re here? well, yes, I… so what do you mean when you tell me you are working on this trip? what? what company do you work for mr caynes? sun microsystems. and how long have you worked for sun microsystems? 11 years. and what is the purpose of your visit to sun microsystems this time? er. it’s, um, business. so it’s a business trip? yes, no, I think so. for which you don’t need a visa? oh, yes. I see. yes, it’s a business trip, for which I don’t need a visa. and how long are you staying in the united states for this business trip for which you don’t require a visa? 5 days, no, dammit, 6 days. 6. and when was the last time you came to the united states on a business trip to sun microsystems? what? er, about 6 months ago. I think.

<pause>

that’s fine sir have a nice stay. next!

2 15

October 6, 2006

google earth is freaking me out. i keep looking over my shoulder in a twitchy way. it’s only when I lower the viewing angle and see the horizon. i get on a plane next week. i hope it’s low res.

Things what I writ