I don’t care, you’ve got a week

June 16, 2006

I won’t be going out again for a while anyway so what’s to say that we can’t just have a week where you just sit in a dark room – like you do all day anyway – and work out what it is you’ve been doing for the last 5 years and then just do a presentation or something so that at least you can say you’ve thought about it really hard even though you know that it’s based on an ecommerce deliverable that doesn’t even have goalposts and a posiedon-sized mandate to deploy on the partner platform so actually, what we’re saying is that we know it’ll never happen but we’re saying it will in 2007 so that we can score at least once even though we’re ending up considering that we just do what we were doing 5 years ago anyway and just let everybody else do whatever they like, as long as we’ve collaborated on that decision and that, well, it’s their decision, not ours, even though we might actually be one and the same thing these days, and you know, I might just want to do something else.

tweak that thing you did before and we can use that anyway because it’s not really changed, right? I mean that’s still valid, right? well, if we say so, it’s valid. I’m not really sure whether that means it’s desirable, sustainable, or even implementable, but it’s certainly believable and of course, it’s got loads of pictures in so it’s also undeniable so I’d suggest we park this in the repository, put a link in the email, and then we’ll get together to work out what we’re doing next year instead before we find that we’re sucked into the black hole of interoperability or tripping over the cracked pavement of platform alignment or just getting a nasty chaff on the thigh of ARPU. either way, I’d say we call this an opportunity and just deliver a load of stuff. people like that.

your clock’s wrong

June 9, 2006

that’s supposed to be 470 but if you make it 488, well, what do you expect? and I know it says 685, but that really means 1350, don’t you get it? well, I only paid 200 sovereigns for this and I spend ages sticking that whizzy contraption on top with toothpaste so I’m not about to start rupturing it’s spleen all over the squeakers when they set me back a couple of ponys in the first place. I spoke to this bloke who said that is was bound to happen anyway and so I should just put it all back together and drive out to stansted or something with a packet of bran flakes and a sponge and maybe we’ll get to 1500 after that optimization thing renders me useless for 30 minutes and fries my trousers at the roadside.

I mean, I specifically shelled out on this thing so that I could break it on purpose, but I’m not quite ready to do it yet because I haven’t really actually used it yet other that that time I crept up behind a mexican in the dark and punctured his trumpet with a kitchen devil. oh, I did also clamber up a particularly greasy pole just to see if I could look up my own dress, but in the end it was only to see if we could all just stop stuttering around in the snakepit and maybe crash the truck across the border. of course, there was that time in Russia when I stepped on a truncheon and blew the gaff, but in terms of the rates I was looking for, that seemed pretty feeble, so I cranked it up to 520 and tried the 1990 final, but they still missed and so I’m back to lying down on the chair mat with my sony ericsson and blathering about component deployment when I’ve only got about an hour left to get this stupid thing sent out.

ouch

you can draw

May 10, 2006

thaas_loomoo_89 — thaas loomoo 89 by Tim Caynes

yeah, so, like, essentially its like a, well, you know, you can just go do this right? try and think about it. it can be a really useful tool to drive the concepts and describe the real scenarios and investigate the problems we have along the way, right? or maybe you could have some intellectually overbearing dissection of the whole genre in relation to what you actually do when you sit munching doritos and hacking e8s which is porbably as valid an argument as saying that we can rationalize our toolbox while we add about 3 more and then just see how the whole thing scales when we drop the bomb onto the product IA and step back while the korean xerox machine goes into overdrive with dayglo ink and clown music in the background while a sober dutchman just sits in the corner saying ‘what the hell?’ to a box of matches that might just be struck up on the big fat cigar you’ve been saving for this moment. click. pull. remember that in the end the way that things are set up right now means that we can be totally random and we’re actually headed in that direction and however polite we are about scraping the business intelligence from under your chatting fingernails then actually you’re just going to have to respect the fact that we’ve already defined your key purpose today so thanks for your question, but you’re not allowed to ask that so get back in your hole and try buying something for once you cheapskate.

it does that to you. and I’m not even in trouble, except with myself

smells like cheese rennet

April 18, 2006

eeuw. that looks like bits of breakfast from 3 weeks ago. here, give a poke with this stick, go on, swish it around a bit. hang on, she’s having a shower now, wait up. aah. there, you see. knackered. let me rummage about a bit and see what the policy is on this before we go diving into the big yellow book for a1 or aaa or 5star or buster or some other made up word with ‘rod’ in it. looks like, erm, hang on, oh. ok then.

65 pounds with vat. ok, so is that 65 pounds altogether? yes, with vat. you mean plus vat? yes 65 pound with vat. you mean 65 pounds not including vat. yes, that’s what I said, 65 pounds with vat – you have to add vat. right, so how much is that? 65 pounds with vat. you’re not going to tell me are you? 65 pounds with… yeah, ok, just come this morning and I’ll work it out, I mean, I’d do it myself but you’ve got all those nozzles and things and you already smell like rancid cheese probably. no offence.

spoilt the morning already anyway. got lots of things backed up but I guess I’ll just watch out the window for you and your pipes to appear and then I’ll hover around behind you like I might have something to contribute and just ask the occasional question about it, throwing in words I think that are appropriate but I don’t really have a clue about but you’ll just get on with it with the occasional trip back to the van because you’ll need a P17 grommit for this one cos nobody said it was a victorian and the standing is dropped so the ceramic floor is probably dust which will probably be another 32 pounds. with vat. or something.

yellow zig zag

March 30, 2006

of course I can see you with your wrists out like that. you must be on the way to john lewis to pick up your filials. but back on the plot it’s got her very upset about the yellow lines and the torrential halfwits who career over 5 year olds to drop theirs onto the pavement. I’m stood here waiting for miss 1983 and I count 4 of you who should be lined up in Tescos and ridiculed with wet fish by some kind of extreme conservation society. suffice to say you are your own demographic determined by the container you’re in and that when the kidprint revolution comes, ours will be plastering a4 tickets under your rain sensitives and giving you the evils. the sun is out and I know you’ve probaby got a half shift up the ozzy or you’re late for a 9 oclock with Derek but you see we care less so we’re gonna stab your radials with titanium corkscrews and watch as your withered legs talk to your withered brain and try and get 2 and 2 to make a bit less than 5. 1 ton, 1 son. it’s not an entirely level playing field. I wouldn’t mind so much if you were actually concerned rather than just plain lazyarsed scumbags but that’s what you are. you’re worse than the pesky pavement cyclists. oops, there goes mad woman with the permit. all gone, love. come back tomorrow. nice coat.

joystick am ridiculous

March 24, 2006

directing UTS through the maze of piffle today was just the first plank over the yellow canal. I’d left a message on the doorstep for any thick peasant or monkey-faced infant to peruse and it wasn’t clear whether I’d be transporting the flower at that time or just botching my fingers on a sticky mac, so I’m playing it safe. we’re not even entirely sure what we’re expecting from them, so it could be an enormous unstable bucket or maybe just something as madly simple as the press pole, so we’re premature with anticipation.

it’s an oversized milk monitor that bothers me at around 2:55 with a cardboard spatula and a paper gossip column, just as I’m about to trot to the avenues for the pretend fudge factory opening. after we’ve exchanged dust and a couple of words I’m suddenly deprecated, but don’t have time to gossip. we’re hanging inches from sleep and I have to get a move on. I know what it is now, having discounted the nano fragment apparatus, so the suspense is quashed, although the interest level is somewhere above throb pressure. I’ll just drop it on the bench and squish it later.

flick. flick. flick. ha, that’s funny. you see? those oranges really come out and if you look closely at the repulsive hard man, yeah, that’s right, crack-eyed dadboy. I think i’ll send one of these down to the notorious member for thick planet south and get the emotional mad memory reaction. I reckon it’ll be high on the lunatic table, but we’ll let the experts experience it first. then we can pick out our pie and be done in time for the beat music. don’t trip over the sponge.

what about the badgers

March 22, 2006

on the left on the right no, in the middle look its obvious you just don’t understand that’s the way and everything’s wrong. you’re supposed to connect that to there before you do that. I’ve got Dave coming up from leyton buzzard to stick the bits in and when he sees this he’s gonna go mental, I mean, where’s yer paperwork eh? you’re supposed to have 3 of these and I’m supposed to have 1. it looks to me like we’re gonna have to start all over again, because you told me I need these parts but you’re now telling me we need those parts and well, I haven’t got those on the back of the van so I’ll have to get round to wickes and do the components all over again, right? I mean, I know it’s not your house, but that’s not my problem is it? while their off on their holidays I’m holding you personally responsible, so don’t go off and decide all this stuff without me deciding that it’s all wrong, alright? where’s the badgers gonna go, eh?

badgers? badgers? you didn’t tell me about any stinking badgers, for chrissake. right, you see that bloke out there with the berghaus on? go tell him. he’s got no idea what we’re doing here and you can see him looking around like he’s lost his stick. get him in and we’ll get this all sorted, right?

i am natalie portman’s ipod

March 17, 2006

yes sirr.

lindsay lohan’s xbox 360 ban

March 9, 2006

utilizing web traffic methodologies and integrated scoring systems to mine the unknown customers that we know we don’t know should allow us to create evaluations for known prospects across campaigns to develop cultivation programs and be able to categorize and influence the rating after we capture them to drive to specific microsites to nurture them and cumulatively compile the feeds into the algorithm across campaigns and keep that data centralized in the single repository but maintain the sub-tier for increased clickthrough. so you’re also adding the layer between followup and interest and so yes the possibilities for the visitors you don’t have are critical even though they’re not really invested in the interest curve but we could provide it. but that’s probably only to do with the acquisition process but we have to progress on the cultivation and revenue generation but I might say that being the vp.

the time you spend on that thing will be appended to the incremental data that forms part of the discovery process and brings us to the qualification where we’re going to understand and be interesting to know about the specifics of how we want to manage the feeds and we are able to do that lookup but if we don’t use it then we’ll rate it but we’re not going to lose it so let’s not think about missing the deal but we have to wait and wait and wait until you tell us as much as we need to know just to know who you are and so what you’re likely to do. so we’re not going to do it because actually, well, we’re just not going to but you’re not asking me the right way so I don’t know whether you’re asking me for it even though we know that between this and that you’re most likely to have been asking for something else, but in a different way, which we haven’t worked out what to do about yet.

next time we’ll be learning about funnels, but on mute

johnny cash user experience

March 8, 2006

sat in the dark at 1am with a headset on and remote from them there’s a woman up there and she’s posting notes as I’m going on mute just to clear my throat and the man on the line is keeping score of forgotten stickies that fall to the floor and as the brains are storming in the conference room someone at the back with a voice of doom says ‘we need to get across the user tasks’ and we’re just about to reach for our engraved hip flasks when down from the heavens comes a noise like thunder – the monitor explodes on the desk I’m under so I’m calling up to god to save me from this hell and he cuts off skype and powers off the dell so I’m stumbling to the bathroom and in the pale white light I see my own reflection and I look like sh, well, a bit rough. I thangyew.

onto day 3 and I’ve filled the 25 hours I have allocated to this each day until a part of me falls off and so the gap I was advised to take between the 4 hours in the afternoon and the 6 hours in the evening has now disappeared as something even more vitally important has come up so it looks like it might just be cold pasta on my head while I’m on mute and a slammed door during the roundtable. such a lightweight. I dunno.

Things what I writ