install now

October 21, 2006

put that down it’ll only give you a chaff and anyway when was the last time you trotted into the fens and blathered over a minefield with your whippet, only to find that it took two hours to go a hundred years and by the time you realise it’s not worth it you’re already underneath the wheels of boredom and picking tunnocks teacakes from under your fingernails when there’s 100 best pop videos in the corner and a bucket of sausages waiting to be pumped through the transit of clapham with a crack magnet from penge. sort it out.

damien hurst pringle selection

October 19, 2006

ah, right. that would be, well, it’s not so bad in real money. I am rather peckish. I don’t know what that is, or that, or that. that looks like some kind of evil granny biscuit. 2 quid for a snickers. I don’t even think I could bring myself to claim that back. hang on, what’s this key for? ooh. I see. nicely hidden under the tv like it usually is except it’s locked like it usually isn’t so it must have something really special in there. it’s got a nice little window at the top. never seen a window on a fridge before. ooh, look. they’ve put the very thing in that window that you’re likely to have an uncontrollable urge for after 18 hours of travelling having missed dinner and feeling like you have a mouthful of gravel and a brainful of lint. that’s right. sour cream and chives pringles. only a small tube mind. it’s hardly a tube at all, more like a tub. or maybe a tu. but it’s got pringles in and they is the sweet nectar of the gods of corporate hospitality, divine in their scallopness and at the same bewitching in their potatoiness. you can literally trip over the delicate crunchiness of those 32 holy cheesy wafers and immerse yourself in their soft duvet of saltiness. without doubt, you can expire and elevate to the paradise beyond this life after popping the last one.

but I’m not paying 4 dollars for them. you can swivel. I’ve still got a fruit bar I stole from British Airways.

design this

October 11, 2006

its iterative you see that means I change little bits all the time no I’m not going to tell you which is which I put numbers on them so you can work it out but in case you think you have I’ve neglected to tell you whether they are finished or not because I don’t know whether they are except the one for mexico which isn’t so don’t start there but think about pulling a left at wal-mart and slipping some fructis and a couple of travel soaps into your lap while henrietta offloads the kansas city fire department into the disabled spot that’s rumbled by the fat bloke.

in 17 minutes it’ll be just as difficult to poke a stick at a melon so why don’t you check into the residence inn and stock up on doritos and sour cheese and I’ll bring over 3 litres of belch and we can sit laughing at pedestrians on el camino like what we were doing that time before but really you were on your own working out the time delay on being charged for videos and wondering where your fob was until the dixie chicks started mangling your banjo and the bottom fell out. the all seeing I.

behind the line

October 10, 2006

good evening sir, what’s the purpose of your visit to the united states today? er, I’m working. oh, you’re working sir? do you have a visa? er, no I don’t. but you said you were working in the united states, so you must have a visa. um, but I don’t need one. what do you do when you are working? I’m not sure I understand what you mean. I mean sir, what does working mean to you? oh, er, I work in marketing and stuff, for a network computing company. yes, so what’s the purpose of your trip today sir? I, um, I’m just, er, visiting my work. just visiting? is that all, you’re not doing any work for your company while you’re here? well, yes, I… so what do you mean when you tell me you are working on this trip? what? what company do you work for mr caynes? sun microsystems. and how long have you worked for sun microsystems? 11 years. and what is the purpose of your visit to sun microsystems this time? er. it’s, um, business. so it’s a business trip? yes, no, I think so. for which you don’t need a visa? oh, yes. I see. yes, it’s a business trip, for which I don’t need a visa. and how long are you staying in the united states for this business trip for which you don’t require a visa? 5 days, no, dammit, 6 days. 6. and when was the last time you came to the united states on a business trip to sun microsystems? what? er, about 6 months ago. I think.

<pause>

that’s fine sir have a nice stay. next!

2 15

October 6, 2006

google earth is freaking me out. i keep looking over my shoulder in a twitchy way. it’s only when I lower the viewing angle and see the horizon. i get on a plane next week. i hope it’s low res.

is that an e4

October 4, 2006

quick, stick it in a jiffy bag and squeeze it in the mail server, we’ve got 17,000 ready in the U.S and we’re gonna fire it into a bucket with a small brown elephant and a couple of free t-shirts. there’s one, you see, it’s got it’s winter coat on now and it’s lobbing a sponge in the drip-tray of catastrophe, so let’s fiddle with the wireless a bit and see if we can’t procure an aztec or two to wind up the time portal

only five minutes before we fold over the edges of the world and fob off a pleb or two with withering platitudes that sound vaguely like we’re selling them a holiday in croydon. it’s not what’s there to be coveted that will keep them from sleep tonight but the lead in the one coat that’s lingering around the black hole of steve’s creation. done tomorrow. I’m already scraping off wax and eyeing up the pummice.

not necessary

October 3, 2006

0x88EF4CCD4A4D means you are bad and that you should be locked up how dare you take that from mr horse whisperer and lodge it in your fudge rom just because you get office doesn’t mean a thing. you put the kernel in there and so it’s your fault if you tinker for hours when you should have gone to essex for a shower. it would have only taken a few monkeys to give you that answer but you were faffing about with a wireless sponge and flipping aquapets through the catflap until you ran out of disk space. oemkrnl. duh

performing cleanup

the answer i gave some moments ago

September 15, 2006

is that it? not gonna get all conspiratorial on me now. what did I say?

not even from a google personal search page. there’s something lame going on and there’s not even any references to panel beating or victoria silvstedt. maybe I should proflagrate myself to the call to action. oh, I see. can I just spend the next 4 hours looking for a level 3 agent in eve then? right, but I’ll update the landing page with the availability messaging when we know whether singapore can do it at 6 in the morning so we can spread ourselves over 3 geographies and be transparent about it. and I’ll add all those international dialling codes when I can bothered to look them all up and change them all one by one which doesn’t sound like a big task but you know like I always say its the small changes that end up with seismic repercussions. oh? you test them all then. ah, yes, I knew you would ask about that sales messaging stuff. you see I did that last night while I was on the conference call I was doing while quaffing a white port and donning my smoking jacket its late here you know. and no, we’re not doing #4 anymore, so don’t worry about it. I said.

hang on. oh, there’s a panel beater. excuse me, do you know any good carpenters.

superstylin

September 15, 2006

now for all the world to see its an online gawp at the plebian. finally that’ll be mounted onto an incan fertility statue and pointed at the wall whereby you might get interference of the idiot sort in the shape of a couple of oversized cans with a useless boom and a rather sweaty roundhead with it pumping into his cranium. if you really want to you could scrach around for the live version for a less-than-spectacular insight into the world of fat baldies leching over the parapet at students in the property agency after he’s been down the road for the evening news and a bag of McCoys. when you wake up it’ll all be over so make somebody love you while you can. it’s the only decent thing to do now.

quick, fetch me the helicopter, I’m going to crack.

up north there was little to be concerned about except for that mad girl who kept bashing the trees in the garden with long bits of wood who would probably end up working for you one day and slurping all over the UK VP but other than that it was either just working out how to get back from morrisons via hillsborough or off the train and back to hatherly via oxford street without a kebab and a dose of kevin. down here it’s different, although technically I’m back up again. I should be less concerned and just start hoping for a miracle. I can never go 17 times between now and then and so I’ll just have to keep my jacket on and hope that it’s cold which of course it will be but I’ll be inside, locked in a private hell with nice food and carpets. all work and no play.

sell your peasant

September 13, 2006

stumbling haphazardly from an infant garden it struck 11 and I was 900 better off. it ain’t much of deal really but by the time you’d lobbed an unstable crack missile over the lip of the canal the boys were smokin up the highway and boiling the manifold to throb pressure. we squished past the monkey-faced tractor bashers and got all mumble-eyed over the prospect of a tangible vole badgering when out of clacton an anonymous clog portal assembled and we were laying tarmac over the butcher’s block of an enormous forked table. but just then dave came over with 2 faces of hollow lard and so we declared it pretend breathing day and mashed up the ginsters like there was no tomorrow which there probably wasn’t but we didn’t know that yet.

significantly, dave was hanging inches from a stiff neck and had spent the previous night positioning it over a sticky cod where there used to be just fields. with a huge lunatic fragment, he trampled the brittle chaffs of swansea street and without malice was gibbering at the emotional death climax of a mostly necked rat with luminous cheese ears that blew over at random. in a salacious corner, he simply buffered the thing and ate it with a sweat guru. look away then he said as I made a swimming motion into a bucket but it was rather the wanton mastication that drove me to heave up the continent and splash it over the cat valley. we never really gave it much thought after that. between the A17 and the services there’s a small piece of fudge that will never be eaten, but aside from that we’re just the same.

Things what I writ

install now

damien hurst pringle selection

design this

behind the line

2 15

is that an e4

not necessary

the answer i gave some moments ago

superstylin

sell your peasant

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