power vol

November 28, 2006

just two places to stick it and the other is off so just in the one and then presto it’s five times one and while they’re falling over eastern europe I’m clicking it this way until the standby is tacked to your chest and everything sprouts christmas polyps in the windows of children with their african art and always open curtains when it’s time for the revolution you’ll be stuck in waitrose but here is where the fimo cats are feral and the headhunters are made of clay so just pop on the webcam and you’ll see it’s true. I’ve disappeared under a pile of tissue.

genesis 21:30

November 24, 2006

well, they better be good. I’ve not been to a stadium since I was employed as a not-so-very burly security person at the sheffield arena when paul simon played the most intolerably boring 2 hours of music I’ve ever had the displeasure to have my back turned to helping old people to the toilet and trying to work out just why the sound in that place was so bad and it’s clear it’s because it was built to house students playing ice hockey and gymnastics and not dire straits who for some reason I also found myself sitting watching at some point wondering why I couldn’t hear what they were playing even though obviously we were in the same room it’s just a huge room made of metal with the worst acoustics outside the lower common room with 15000 people thinking the same thing.

last time I witnessed this lot was 24 years ago with peter gabriel when I still wore lumberjack shirts with the arms and collars cut off and had sticky-up hair although in this case at was raining for 17 hours and so all I really had was a mouthful of boots hairspray and a bootful of milton keynes finest mud from the lip of the bowl where 40 somethings were murmuring supper’s ready under their breath who will now be 60 or 70 somethings doing the same but wondering whether all those seats on the pitch make the grass too flat for rugby and where’s the not-so-burly security guard when you need the toilet.

I’m not sure whether there’ll be six of the best or just 3 of the best with all those session musicians wheeled out again but please make sure you don’t cock up anything from the lamb lies down on broadway and consider closing with los endos. in fact, if you just do the whole of seconds out I’ll be happy but maybe leave out that wind and wuthering nonsense and put in the other bits from the first live album and don’t bother with anything after duke. I bet twickenham section 21 row 30 is behind a lighting rig and I won’t see anything anyway. I’ll probably be sitting through cinema show wondering about the traffic on the way home. slap me if you see that happening.

And he said, These seven ewe lambs shalt thou take of my hand, that it may be a witness unto me, that I have digged this well. it was more like And I said, Fleece me of my one hundred and thirty seven new pounds, that I may be a witness of the reunion, that I shall dig, man, but it’s close.

don’t I know you?

November 23, 2006

oh, no. it’s just that for a moment I thought that you might be one of those people who used to wear overcoats in summer and loiter around a wall in town just frowning under your fringe and then spending 3 hours in the underground cafe with one cup of coffee and 15 likeminded other overcoat wearing pointy boot wearing black and white wearing teenage smoker smelling angst-ridden sticky-up-hair protecting youths just waiting for something to happen which never does in this town right so lets go to Jarrolds and sit in there for another 3 hours because you get 2 cups for the price of one there and no I’m not hot shutup anyway what’s that on your shirt that’s rubbish eyeless in gaza hahaha I’m going to Andy’s to see if I can find anything in the right place what are you doing tonight I’m up the Murderers int it.

I’d still do that if I could but I don’t have the hair anymore and anyway everyone does it now but when we did it there was only like about 5 of us and everyone knew who we were not like all these emos outside the forum etc…

red hair deck shoes

November 22, 2006

shoulders up against the wind and a nifty collar zipped up to the chin unaware of the news she steps into the leafy quagmire to sidestep a few of the less I know but the even less I understand and it’s probably off to BHS for a new scarf because that one she got from melanie got dropped over the lip of the shropshire union canal when the jag was going through a dry patch with the hoodies and the bicycle frames of the afterlife that are chained to the residents spaces at the clough end of the flaming lips.

if you can read this you’re too close

shouldn’t have done that

November 21, 2006

I only meant I needed to do it for my own benefit. not yours. don’t stick it on your roadmap and don’t mention it in the forward qx planning meeting for the program so that it gets stuck in the collabspace and nailed to an egg for christmas. it’ll end in tears. I can only support one bucket at a time and I’ll drop my bag of spanners if we start talking about personal services. blimey o’reilly.

black hole network game

November 21, 2006

I mean, with a dvd drive that spins up like a massey ferguson you’d be delighted if there was an option where if you wanted 5 minute mindless trashing and bombing while VPN was trying to work out where in the world you are that meant you didn’t have to spend about the same amount of time digging around underneath 4 miles of ethernet cable and vga switches just to dig out the box that you got the thing in over a year ago so of course it’s not actually in the box but in another box because you put it in that box when you took it out last time to put the other one in and you couldn’t be bothered to find the real box which is buried under a pile of magazine front cover discs that you cluttered up your machine with and could never uninstall just to work out that the one you thought would be rubbish was in fact rubbish and blimey those flight simulators run slow even on your system and even when you do find it it’s gone dark outside and the children are in bed so the last thing you want is to fire up a tractor in the next room but hey, how else are they gonna know whether you’ve actually paid 29.99 for it or just gone down the market and knocked 3 times on the underside of the counter to get a ‘special’ cheap copy without checking some cd key on the disc itself as you create a vortex in the home office and cars and cows and all sorts are being sucked into the funnel as the whirring reaches a crescendo of logos and intros until finally the game starts by which time you’ve fallen asleep with your head on a pentel roller ball and you’ll jolt awake in 2 hours with an indentation on your forehead that takes 2 weeks to completely disappear but that’s alright because you tell people you were hit by a cyclist who was robbing a bank therefore preventing a crime and everybody feels it was worth it then and has a story to tell next time they go to the workshop.

the option is, of course, is to get those games online so that there are no dvds involved. it’s very simple. all that happens now is that when you start the game some other spurious process will kick off locking your system for a couple of minutes as it tries to remember who you are and where your master server is and then every time you run it it completely overwrites itself with a new version of itself that is has to download over itself and install back in the original place it likes to install itself not the place you’d prefer it to and actually if it wants to create a start menu item all over again it will thank you and by then you’re thinking it’s probably not worth it but it’s hung waiting to contact it’s uber server before it can even tell you you’re allowed to play the game you brought from it and oh look its a new version of itself so you might just need to take a few minutes to remind it who you are and oops the game has suddenly started at the same time so everything has disappeared and been replaced by a screen waiting for you to tell it who you are before it hangs waiting for the other thing to tell it whether that’s true except neither of them can actually validate that yet and so eventually one of them will give up and blurt some half-baked error screen with 24 point times roman which just says maybe everything’s not working right now so maybe try in a minute which was all you had so it’s too late and then everything will quit but there’ll be a flashing orange item on your taskbar which looks like it might actually be useful as it seems to come from the company who’s lead you down this path so let’s have a look and see but oh, it’s an advert for something else I’m not remotely interested in.

the knife

November 20, 2006

no no no! not the knife! rub rub rub. go on. 64%, dammit! rub rub rub. again. 49%. 64%. 98%. no! dammit! rub rub rub, but the other way round and from the middle to the edge for good luck. last chance. 11, 48, 70, 98. let’s see. dammit! bloody libraries.

I just went through 2 hours to get to that and I was there, back in the bowl in the pouring rain with ship arriving too late to save a drowning witch painted on my rucksack and peter already missing his spot in the middle of the cage in 1982 and I was just about to close the blind and wallow in that closing 4:30 when you have to go skipping like a demented schoolgirl all over the shop. I’ll have to go and purchase something illegal from Korea now to make up for it.

rude awakening

cashback

November 16, 2006

go on Andy, lend us a tenner. you can say that Jen lent it to me and then she can get 1 pound 75 back. hang on, boiled sweet. ALERT!

it is reminding of customer that not to be leaving VALUABLES as of your coat is hanging up here in order to not be our reponse if it is being the stolen it being at the risk of the CUSTOMER to ensure whether you will taking risk thereof: LOCAL police informing.

it’s not a headset. yes it is. no it isn’t. yes it is. no it isn’t. yes it is.

fake tales of manitou springs

November 15, 2006

pikes peak 6 — pikes peak 1 by Tim Caynes

I walked. no I didn’t. I got on that cog railway and sat next to Bob from Canada who was in Colorado visiting his half brother JD who he only realized was alive because he came across him on the internet via his wife who was related to him via his other mother or something. I said it’s a small world, and I’m from the other side of it. we were full to the brim as the red boxes cogged up the incline and even though I spent the first 30 minutes bemoaning the fact that I ended up on the 2-seat side which sticks to the side of the mountain, eventually I chilled out. literally. we slid the windows up as we approached the halfway point, but not before I’d done my obligatory sticking my upper torso out the window when you’re not supposed to thing and taken a couple of pictures of a place where you can sometimes see goats but they’re at home today fixing up their shed.

when we got to the summit we were allowed 40 minutes to stumble around in the snow, waiting for a gap in the cloud, before we had to head back down again because fat people at 14000 feet have a tendency to drop dead after about 45 minutes. I spent most of that time stumbling around in the snow, waiting for a gap in the cloud, but also managed to slip down a bank next to the railway while taking a picture of a red truck and plaster a thick layer of frozen clay over my backside which I spent the next 10 minutes trying to wipe off without bringing attention to myself even though it was like trying to push wet flour across a tablecloth and so in the end I just went to the toilet block to wash caked mud from my frozen hands and the water felt like it was boiling my skin and I ended up leaving a trail of clay all the way back down anyway and my coat is still brown at the bottom.

I’d recommend it to anyone.

that tree is big

November 10, 2006

I like that one. I shall fly over there right now. here I go. ooh, that was nice. look at these leaves. they’re all turning. I was only telling her the other day that you know, it’s november and all this is green, like we’ve lost all sense of what if means to be temperate. I think I lost her then, but don’t you think it’s a very strange thing when you can no longer tell when we should be somewhere else just by looking around? there must be thousands of us up here, just waiting for something happen, but what if it doesn’t? I mean, what if nothing changes this year and we’re still up here in january? well, I don’t know either, but it is kind of interesting to think about it, don’t you think? excuse me a second. ooh, that wasn’t pleasant. he’ll not leave it there anymore, eh? hahahaha!

you see that sign down there? what do you think? it looks a bit precarious and I saw it blowing around a bit in the wind yesterday but I think I can do 30 seconds on there. yes? ok, hang on a minute, just let that woman with the dog go past. right. the chill air races through your pathetic little body as you line up the top edge with your nose, twitching your head from side to side and throwing your feet forwards, ready to grab and scrape and flap yourself to a halt. but you mess it up and you do that embarrassing lunge as you deparately claw at the white plastic before sliding unceremoniously into the roses, and then stumble to the roadside, with that indignant, petulant look on your face, your head bobbing around like a demented newton’s cradle, and you’re so busy pretending everything’s alright really, that you don’t notice the mini cooper that’s just slighlty nearer the curb than you’re used to, but alas, it’s too late now, as the speeding nearside wheel crushes the life out of you in a giblety mess, which will get spread across the tarmac, slowly and surely, over the next few hours, by the next few wheels, on the next few honda civics and renault lagunas, as I watch from the window as I’m pretending to work after I just did that little shudder and contorted my face away from the scene as your bones cracked but now I’m more interested in the round corners problem on the microsite so I won’t remember you until I’m putting brownie gear in the car later and somebody steps on your head by accident.

Things what I writ