but that’s not unexpected it’s just that I like to be able to kill stuff and this one won’t let me like it’s taken over everything and is refusing to lay down while I poke my huge stick in it’s shiny head to see what comes out except there’s nothing there at least you have to dig really deep just to get back to where you were with the old one so I guess it’s a bonus that you can now have more than one but you know we’ve been doing that for years so how come that’s quite such a feature I mean we didn’t just crawl out of a brown bucket and discover sponges did we.
I just want to add my own thank you. go on. let me. I’ll give you a sausage and an inflatable monkey if I can flip the lid and just dangle my fob in there a couple of seconds to scoop up some of that pie and see where the joins are. it won’t hurt. mmm. that’s not supposed to look like that. oh, it doesn’t. you’re alright then! but you’re still too slow. it’s like symbian or something dammit.
packed full of highlights but it was that one that drove it home – it is worth shelling out that much money to go and stand there when you’re not really sure what’s going on but you know you’re expecting something and it’s at that point that even though there is room to swing a cat in the woodshed it’s all been worthwhile and you don’t know it yet, but you’ll be home in time to see that bloke off dragon’s den talking to jeremy paxman about malawi so even better.
you just need to think about making sure that when you express your projections and quantify your parameters that you are able to be inclusive when it comes to mapping back to a percentage of the experience and the incremental conversion rate based on your time-bound qualifiers but make sure you don’t ignore the quality because for example with 5.1.1 you’ll be sure to align against the 3 key flows and you have to generate quantitative measures against the apparently abstract deliverables or how can you measure how great you are. so think about that. you’ve got until friday.
on the other hand, you night be thinking that at this stage you’re just about ready to plunge into something completely different and it’s worth noting that there are any number of ways you might think about doing the things that you know you can do but don’t do so do them as it’s my job to ensure you attain those things as part of the competencies that map onto the paths which you’re allowed to change just let me know there’s plenty of things you can check out so don’t think you have to just do the same old same old but think about that development path as a parallel track down a lane of opportunity by a stream of aspiration running by the railroad of experiences into the depot of your life. or something. you’ve got until friday.
no you didn’t. yes I did. no you didn’t. it’s not enough that he’s parading his feline hump around berkshire but when he got a chaff off the notorious monkey boy he got the right arse and so dave has got me ringing round at nine at night sorting out the bananas from the mars bars and grinding the bats into the portal where patrick and the partridge family are clapping out bizet as they scrape their faces with brownie spatulas. we have a nice one with a mouse on from the soldering iron of beelzebub but it sometimes sticks in the clist so we have to build up the ramparts before we can go conquering
what’s this? why do I get the crappy K reg from here to there? it’s not like it’s a little punt up the M5 or something and I know that they always get the ones with the scalloped wings and nxtv all over the place so why am I stuck in this velour hell with a back like half a concrete pipe you get in 70s playgrounds and warm breath piping under me like we’re brimstone powered and heading to network hell on the wings of a drunk phoenix who can’t be arsed to fly straight since he lost at cribbage to a gorgon down The Feathers last quiz night. why do we stop here? I have bad dreams about places like this on crimewatch and you expect us to take a short break while you bark at the moon in your smoke cloud, garbling monstrosities at glasses man and a teenage pariah, while we stumble into saw 4 in a portuguese toilet block stuffed with ceramica and grit?
the romans built it. they also dug holes in the ground and when they’d finished they dangled peasants over the lip until they dripped into a bucket. I’d say it’s inches from catastrophe, but the council say they have a large clap magnet that will clear it all up, so that’s alright.
I promise I’ll do that thing I said I would do in 2004 but we decided not to because this other thing came up but now it’s suddenly really important again so we need to have it done by the end of Q1 which is already finished so just say something like ‘rolled over into Q2 because of the ecommerce thing’ and start the process whereby you tell me what we’re going to do and then I tell you what you need to do it and then we work out why I can’t do it and we decide to put a stick in the ground which actually isn’t a stick anymore in the new system, so you need to find the stick from 2004 and see if it will go into the ground of 2006 and if not we’ll just say something like ‘during 2007’ and wait until april when we’ve forgotten we said you’d do it which you won’t have but it’ll be ok, don’t worry.
burn and turn man, burn and turn. I don’t know what that means but I did it anyway and apparently beating a pair of aces with three fives three times in one night is just not cricket. Jennifer repeatedly says I’m a shark but honestly man, I just stepped of the plane from the old empire and all I know about is gin rummy and triangle sandwiches. I can’t help fleecing the web design team, even it Chris does eventually win after buying back in, which I think is a moral victory for me, but I can’t be sure. I personally blame Martin for having a gaming table with extra strong people magnets hidden inside so that every time you go to his house you get sucked unwittingly into the basement to start flipping around with his chips and fingering the edge of your cards like you’re on one of those programmes on the telly where the cameras are underneath the table spying on your cards.
I think it was a straight that did it in the end. that’s better than three fives, right? what about four? five?
that looks awful. I mean, no, that’s terrible. you thought just washing it down and sanding off the bits of greasy finger detrius would be enough didn’t you, but now look at your first coat of one-coat brilliant white gloss. it’s not brilliant. or white. ok, it’s kind of glossy, but only in the way that dogs sometimes are. you should have put an undercoat on with that primer you found in the cellar, but no, you couldn’t be arsed, I mean, you only just spend 8000 quid on this bathroom and now you made a perfectly good stripped pine door look like a wall of old lady’s grey skin, wrinkled and pitted with random inexplicable indents and blemishes and bumps. look, you even managed to create a contour map of wales on that top corner. drips! you idiot.
still, 2 more coats later and you can now barely look upon the dazzling sheer white surface, perfect as an unopened melamine chopping board in waitrose and almost mirror-like in its shiny reflective glory. but I’m not doing the other side. or the 8 other doors. my arm hurts. and anyway, I chucked the brush in the bin because I couldn’t be bothered to clean it. everyone does that, don’t they? you don’t? oh, I expect your garden is perfect too. you’ve got a shed right? there’s no dust in it is there? thought so. grrr.
I’ll just shift that up there and tweak a bit of the list components and, ooh, I’ll add those dates you wanted and maybe, yeah, I’ll change the colour of that and, well, there’s a nasty looking hole there so excuse me while I spend the next hour making a small star in photoshop which serves no purpose except to look rather nice which is why you got me to do this right?
I didn’t just drop off, honestly, I mean, I know you won’t believe that vodafone decided to take away it’s network coverage and go home in a huff with it’s ball under it’s arm at 11 o’clock just as Bernard was about to point out some nice pictures I made of french people transacting with Sun via the funky localized teleweb experience but that’s just the way it was I mean I threw the n80 out the window and dug the v600i out from under a pile of reciepts from mexican restaurants in colorado and rammed the charger in it’s bottom and dialled the at&t number but nope it was still vodafone’s fault but it had taken 5 minutes to work that out so you’re all now thinking I either went to another meeting at 11 and just dropped you rather rudely or I got so bored by straining my ears to pick up the subtle tones of Han wandering around a conference room rearranging post-it notes into a deliverable that I simply hung up but not true, I was at that point untangling 13 feet of headphone cable so that I could ressurrect skype which I ditched months ago and try that instead except that took about 2 minutes to connect to the account server and when I finally dialled the number which takes an unfeasably long time when you’re clicking on a dialpad with a mouse, for some reason, I got through to a strangled beep and a whoosh of undersea cables trying in vain to support an audible conversation between 2 peers but in fact just painfully failing to do so in a head-stuck-in-a-bucket kind of way even though I shouted and I’m not sure whether you heard me at all but apologies if I blew up the starphone and so I, as a last resort, decide to try a landline. can you imagine? a landline? anyway, I got through on that no problem, although I could barely hear mrs at&t and then I remembered why I ditched the landline in the first place because after 17 handsets and 14 headsets I just couldn’t hear anybody with any of them and so this time I’m screwing up my face trying to hear if I’ve actually pressed a number on the keypad and eventually I hit the ‘pound key’ and am greeted by that exquisite phrase that tells you you’re either early for once, you need to press the star key now, or you’ve hopelessly misunderstood the instructions on the email and you should have been here yesterday at 10 pacific not 10 GMT, so in this case it means you’ve hung up on me because I obviously couldn’t be polite enough to excuse myself from the call but I couldn’t you see because I lost my network connection and I couldn’t send a text to Andy to let him know and as we’re in the UK, nobody takes their laptops into the conference room so I couldn’t even IM Chantelle to let her know what a hopeless case I am so I thought I’d just install performancing for firefox instead and give up on the day after I’ve wasted half an hour writing this to find out that I’ve got the xmlrpc settings wrong and when I submit, firefox will encounter a serious problem that will require it to close but not before it’s asked me why I think it’s just died on me, taking my new performancing plugin with it and a whole bunch of drivel to the page fault in the sky so actually what I’m going to do is open NOTEPAD and do a copy and paste of this entire thing before I, uh, hang on…
