quick, stick it in a jiffy bag and squeeze it in the mail server, we’ve got 17,000 ready in the U.S and we’re gonna fire it into a bucket with a small brown elephant and a couple of free t-shirts. there’s one, you see, it’s got it’s winter coat on now and it’s lobbing a sponge in the drip-tray of catastrophe, so let’s fiddle with the wireless a bit and see if we can’t procure an aztec or two to wind up the time portal
only five minutes before we fold over the edges of the world and fob off a pleb or two with withering platitudes that sound vaguely like we’re selling them a holiday in croydon. it’s not what’s there to be coveted that will keep them from sleep tonight but the lead in the one coat that’s lingering around the black hole of steve’s creation. done tomorrow. I’m already scraping off wax and eyeing up the pummice.
0x88EF4CCD4A4D means you are bad and that you should be locked up how dare you take that from mr horse whisperer and lodge it in your fudge rom just because you get office doesn’t mean a thing. you put the kernel in there and so it’s your fault if you tinker for hours when you should have gone to essex for a shower. it would have only taken a few monkeys to give you that answer but you were faffing about with a wireless sponge and flipping aquapets through the catflap until you ran out of disk space. oemkrnl. duh
is that it? not gonna get all conspiratorial on me now. what did I say?
not even from a google personal search page. there’s something lame going on and there’s not even any references to panel beating or victoria silvstedt. maybe I should proflagrate myself to the call to action. oh, I see. can I just spend the next 4 hours looking for a level 3 agent in eve then? right, but I’ll update the landing page with the availability messaging when we know whether singapore can do it at 6 in the morning so we can spread ourselves over 3 geographies and be transparent about it. and I’ll add all those international dialling codes when I can bothered to look them all up and change them all one by one which doesn’t sound like a big task but you know like I always say its the small changes that end up with seismic repercussions. oh? you test them all then. ah, yes, I knew you would ask about that sales messaging stuff. you see I did that last night while I was on the conference call I was doing while quaffing a white port and donning my smoking jacket its late here you know. and no, we’re not doing #4 anymore, so don’t worry about it. I said.
hang on. oh, there’s a panel beater. excuse me, do you know any good carpenters.
now for all the world to see its an online gawp at the plebian. finally that’ll be mounted onto an incan fertility statue and pointed at the wall whereby you might get interference of the idiot sort in the shape of a couple of oversized cans with a useless boom and a rather sweaty roundhead with it pumping into his cranium. if you really want to you could scrach around for the live version for a less-than-spectacular insight into the world of fat baldies leching over the parapet at students in the property agency after he’s been down the road for the evening news and a bag of McCoys. when you wake up it’ll all be over so make somebody love you while you can. it’s the only decent thing to do now.
quick, fetch me the helicopter, I’m going to crack.
up north there was little to be concerned about except for that mad girl who kept bashing the trees in the garden with long bits of wood who would probably end up working for you one day and slurping all over the UK VP but other than that it was either just working out how to get back from morrisons via hillsborough or off the train and back to hatherly via oxford street without a kebab and a dose of kevin. down here it’s different, although technically I’m back up again. I should be less concerned and just start hoping for a miracle. I can never go 17 times between now and then and so I’ll just have to keep my jacket on and hope that it’s cold which of course it will be but I’ll be inside, locked in a private hell with nice food and carpets. all work and no play.
stumbling haphazardly from an infant garden it struck 11 and I was 900 better off. it ain’t much of deal really but by the time you’d lobbed an unstable crack missile over the lip of the canal the boys were smokin up the highway and boiling the manifold to throb pressure. we squished past the monkey-faced tractor bashers and got all mumble-eyed over the prospect of a tangible vole badgering when out of clacton an anonymous clog portal assembled and we were laying tarmac over the butcher’s block of an enormous forked table. but just then dave came over with 2 faces of hollow lard and so we declared it pretend breathing day and mashed up the ginsters like there was no tomorrow which there probably wasn’t but we didn’t know that yet.
significantly, dave was hanging inches from a stiff neck and had spent the previous night positioning it over a sticky cod where there used to be just fields. with a huge lunatic fragment, he trampled the brittle chaffs of swansea street and without malice was gibbering at the emotional death climax of a mostly necked rat with luminous cheese ears that blew over at random. in a salacious corner, he simply buffered the thing and ate it with a sweat guru. look away then he said as I made a swimming motion into a bucket but it was rather the wanton mastication that drove me to heave up the continent and splash it over the cat valley. we never really gave it much thought after that. between the A17 and the services there’s a small piece of fudge that will never be eaten, but aside from that we’re just the same.
mind! blimey. don’t take much does it? I mean, what’s wrong with these people? you get them all jacked up with spangles and they’re hanging off the garderobes like petulant squids dangling thier hairdriers out the window watching the insurance claims pass by at 70 with that stupid whining noise going off that doesn’t get any nearer and sounds like they’re done a david copperfield with an alsatian. there. it’s stopped. no it hasn’t. yes it has. oh, for gawd sakes.
sit down there. yes, but it’s not raining yet. we’re going to go into this one then this one then that one and you see that one over there we going into that one cos he used to do it in one of those, right, so when we’ve done all that we can probably start dribbling up the 405 like cattle but until then I’ve got a couple of bristols I want to get my hands on and a rather impressive hind. turns out that was a right larf then and so thas roight mardy an all till loike what an thas on the huh int ut. imagine that. 16 hours screwing your legs into the wrongly position onto to find that charlie had moved it and so it wasn’t where you thouht it was so you had to put the kettle on and be done with it. must have been annoying though, right? I mean, bad manners innit like what yous are doing on that thas gonna be right blummun poxy now you git.
dave got the hump and so we careened around the compound in a chariot shouting out carpenters from the yellow pages and lobbing flapjacks into a fire bucket until the super parked his granada in the contraflow with the lights on and we got a flaccid beanpole to nod over the bar where the catflap used to be. I mean, there ain’t no sense in watering the pudding, so we got our sausages and tripped over to gibraltar for a swift one while the mastik was brewing. lovely
it was 11 years ago yeah we missed 10 so here we are its just like I remember it except that bit which I don’t really remember and we never actually went to that bit last time but I remember sitting there I think it was no there that was it wasn’t it and its even hotter if that’s possible but it feels like that to me so if we go up there we get to the belvedere right but I don’t remember this bit we must have just come straight up the main street before well we wouldn’t have been playing on the adventure playground then and looking for the toilets would we hahahahahahaha.
well look at that that’s nice where have you gone? no we’re not going to go in the caves because they’re rubbish even though you come out in the side of the sheer drop and get in a glass lift like charlie bucket although you don’t fly because if it flies there’s something very wrong and anyway we’re not doing that but I want to have a quick look at the sqaure and look at that view it goes on for miles its a bit like the view from down there but you see the difference you can see all the river from here, well, all the bits in the bit of the river that cingle isn’t the biggest but look you can see it all. I want a drink. there? here? let’s just go here. ok
chips and omlette. hmm. got any sandwiches? sondweech? jamon et fromage. oui, c’est bon merci. aah, come on everyone, drink it in. do you know, 11 years ago…oh, we have told you that. anyway, yes you can go and look at friendship bracelets but don’t upset that huge woman/man thing again or she’ll set the dog on you anyway what’s her/his problem we’re gonna buy something. she doesn’t know about the airport leaflet incident does she? how could she possibly know he’s such a fiddle and break risk. I just think she/he doesn’t like people. good job then, working in a shop. moan moan.
can I have some of that bread. that’s aireated that is. have we got any croissants? what’s that? what’s gruyere? can I have cheese? eeuw, that’s all red, look, it’s got red stuff coming out of it. is it? do you like that? what’s for tea? can I go swimming? but what if the alarm goes off. can you come with me. well, can daddy come with me? how long is it? oh, can I have one? what’s that? is that for us? I don’t like that. I have had it before, honest, and I know I don’t like it I had it at Bella’s house I did when I went there remember. honest. I did. when’s tea?
notwithstanding the fact that we didn’t get anything and now its like 1 pm so the whole country is asleep and we didn’t get anything yesterday because we were asleep and now its today and that chocolate bun doesn’t go 5 ways we’ll have to think about doing something tonight instead yes that’s right maybe we can go out that place looks nice maybe we could walk there but only if we don’t get as far as the observatory and daddy chooses that time to tell us that he’s only brought out 20 euros because he didn’t think they’d actually want to be buying anything so he had to run back in the 38 degrees back up the road back up the hill to the farm to get a new tshirt and more money and then, sod it, drive back down and park in town where everything’s closed anyway so we don’t even need 20 euros but this time we might so have you got any money. good. I know its hot we’re nearly there so who wants to go and see that funny metal person in that cafe where they give you tartazine for lemonade and you gag all the way through your baguette which was probably made by that fat bloke behind the bar who’s pointing his gun at the dog who’s snarling by the toilet which you’ll have to use because it’s the only one open I’m afraid so come on, let’s go.
ham cheese pasta melon apples grapes prunes danone red white lemonde vittel
it’s only 10 minutes down the road and it’s been a week already, yeah, I know, so why don’t we just do that? I feel like a quiet day after all and can’t be bothered to drive round for a hour trying to find my way out of a field of withered sunflowers somewhere between the buddhist pagoda and appelation controlée so let’s just take it slowly and we can even saunter if we feel up to it. there’s probably a bench there somewhere where we can sit all afternoon and watch the dutch come and go in their convoys.
rising the steps passing a couple of hopeless prams which probably weren’t designed for the 12th century we passed through the entrance gates and negotiated with a very french woman about the pricing structures which might allow us to have 2 of us and one of them at full but not them 2 as they’re under 7 but it says there famille which should include all of us right but that’s just 4 and there’s 5 of us you see and so should we get one of those and just pay for the extra 1, who is under 7 anyway, like we said, and, oh, right, it doesn’t work like that? pas de famille? deux adultes et trois enfant, mais, erm, les deux sont six ans et, elle, la, oui, la (zoe, come here, she wants to look at you), oui, bon, elle, la, elle a nuef ans, oui, um, c’est une biller de famille? non? deux adultes et trois enfants? pardon? libre? free? tout les enfants? ah! bon! (it’s ok Zoe, you can go away again now, she’s seen you) ok, deux adultes. pardon. et trois enfants? mais…
we handed over some money and she gave us an english guide book which was a photocopied affair in a plastic folder, much like the one we got at Marqueyssac which we put in our backpack and took home by mistake so we said we must not take this one home again which of course we did, adding to our new collection of english language guide folders for local attractions that we would leave behind in the gite so that the next people would take them thinking they are just free handouts and the people on the gate when they tried to pay would ask them where the hell they got that from. once inside it was obvious that they don’t have the same strict health and safety regulations over here as they do it english castles museums and monuments so we tied pieces of string around the children so that when they hung over the 2 foot high parapets we had at least a small chance of slowing their 50 foot drop to the valley below. it was also obvious that they were doing something akin to repointing on the upper courtyard which involved the tallest lorry-mounted contraption I’ve ever seen which was pumping cement about 100 feet up and over the battlements and about 50 feet into the roof area of the upper courtyard where monkeys were dancing around without hard hats and daft punk were playing harder, better, faster, stronger in the scaffolding. the upshot of this is that the upper courtyard was closed this year which didn’t seem so bad until you worked out that that was the very place that they film all the movies you’ve seen that they’ve filmed at this place and so you won’t get to see it and go ‘oh, yeah, that was that bit in les visiteurs II’ or ‘hang on, oh look, remember that bit in that james bond film’ and things like that so I got a bit grumpy and said I want to eat my sandwich NOW and so we stopped in the lower courtyard and took in the view though the very nice arched panorama and calmed down a bit.
there was still loads to see at chateau de biron, however, including a restored oak floor that you had to slide around on on small bits of felt under your feet, although we only realized that because other people were doing it, and there was naturally a nice graphic dungeon which was so dark (health and safety) that you couldn’t even see the small sign warning you about the small step you were about to take a small trip over which everybody did anyway. sam picked out everything ‘you see that that’s a rack that is that’s what they stuck people on and you turn those handles at the end and then that strrreetched people until all their bones broke and they came apart and all their guts flew out and look you see that that thing up there that that metal thing that’s a thing were they put bad people and squashed them in so their bones broke and they hung them out on big stick so they were still alive right and all the birds came and pecked their eyes out and stuff until they were dead and that that right you see that thing that up the back on the wall that right that’s what they used to tie people to you see those hooks at the end they tied their hands up there and then they tied their feet down there right see and so they broke all their bones, probably, I think, and they didn’t have any clothes on and they used to stick big bits of hot metal in them and when they weren’t dead yet they got a big saw and sawed them in half so all their guts flew out everywhere and they were like screaming everywhere and the dogs would come and eats their guts while they were still alive and you see that thing, ooh, listen, right, that thing is like a giant screw like corkscrew that is right but except they didn’t use it for opening bottles and stuff they used to put in on people’s heads and then turn that handle and it would crush their heads and their eyes would like BURST out and their guts flew out probably and all their bones got broken and you see that…’
I don’t know how he knew all that stuff. we don’t do that at home.
yeah so its in that little box you open it up right and there’s mr plastic head vegetable man with his pixie lute strumming the beach boys over a field of chaff, so that’s what its all about you see in them days they made their own entertainment and that you see is, well, you tell me, its a 6 foot idiot wrapped in fuse wire and one foot stuck in the past so I should imaging there’s something round here about geometric road alignment and bringing out your dead (I’m not dead yet) and see how clever they were? that one even has 2 tiers like that bridge what collapsed but I don’t think you’re supposed to touch that and, oh, never mind, look, its got a little button you press which transports you back to 1350 but with sennheisers on and an open bottle of vittel on the parkey.
well you get so much for the price don’t you? I mean, you might expect to get a bit of chainmail and some plastic bread or something but this is something else entirely. look over there. and next time we’ll be smashing hammers over the chisels of détant and snaring brick dolphins in sandstone nets until they start squeaking apolcalyptically about trains and we give everything to David who’s been scrubbing the plastic with his fingers again only for us to peel our skin all over the rim and leave a yellow detrius line over his hebrew symbolism he paid 3000 euros for but hey it lasts 8 years and so bob’s yer unkle. one day I’ll be back to poking sticks out the window at plebs and canvas taping the wing mirror but right now there’s another floor so let’s gawp at the orange boxes and give us a listen to that. it’s all in french. hang on.
