save the incomprehensible

no longer enormous manged diatribes at bits of rearranged magnets but an altogether calmer and more serene outlook. With capitalisation. And punctuation, maybe. I can add some verbs and conjunctives in all the right places and then we’ll have a party.

But don’t get excited. I have no idea what to do in this case. I expect I shall fall over the lip of banality and consume myself, but I won’t be very tasty. Still – not for me to say. There’s about 7 of me. Take your pick. One of me tastes like chicken. In fact, all of me does, but some are more headless than others.

july shutdown

this will go normal after July. then from onward only will it be a spider mashup at the alternate bucket that is over there. you might have tied some string to your finger or mangled a cantaloupe into the kitchen drawer but if any unpleasantries still linger and you’re not the auntie you think you are it will be time to switch. I mean, it’ll be cached for, like, eveeer, right, but the roller delete button will be pinged for your pleasure.

I don’t get it.

sectarian iphone fantasist channel

get me down the frag factory and they’ll be blurting out ganzs until a fat controller spins on a pin in the back garden. until then, have a large tetrahedron and let bloggers unite on the plains of drivel where I stand clench-fisted with my spear of destiny and a bag of organic carrots for the guineas pigs they’ve not been out today bless em.

everything is twice. it will only be here in a week or so. if you had the misfortune to stumble and trip on an RSS feed or bookmarkerlet for this, best forget them and cough for that.

did I say?

I’m all proper and wrong at the same time. take your pick. pick the wrong one. this one will self destruct in five entries and I’ll be chasing scientologits around the garden with a wet spade and chicken curry. sandals are cryptic. they’re from sasland. have you seen Magnolia? I’m the guy with big glasses who can’t come to terms with his 15 minutes of childhood fame except I missed the 15 minutes of childhood fame bit. oh dear. oh dear. oh dear…

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look, over there

it’ll be gone before you know it. subscribe now. free offer. two for the price of one. drivel mechanics for non-linear accelerants unite in platitude attack on policy statements. it’s not in order. take your ball and go play in your own street, I’ve had enough of you here. go on, and take that stupid friend with you.

still low dollar for canadian prescription RX intestate gambol crank. retooling for fy08. get out.

here instead

i run on vegetable oil

he’s a handyman. a handy man. lookit. his white van is converted. you know it’s all a myth, right? I mean, there’s so much money in inconvenient truths that if I so much as put one more bar on the fire entire thinktanks in south london will have to stack shelves in Tesco. see the irony? I’m scared though. I might drag a carbon box around by a piece of string, but it’s all my fault. I should have stopped driving to work but now it’s all too late and it’s my children that are gonna pay so just give us a fiver and we’ll plant a tree for you. I love airlines. they don’t care really. they know it’s all rubbish but who’s gonna fly if they don’t put their enormous cardboard boxes in the recycling? I am. and I’m going to dump my old fridge in your back garden. 17 plugs in the office. that should do for at least a decade. sorry kids! gotta finish this presentation! I’ll be back next week! mwwuuhahahaaa.

it is warm though. the sun’s gone mad just as I lose my hair. SO THAT’S MUCH MORE IMPORTANT. I don’t have time to wrap that up in newspaper, come on, give it here, just chuck it in the bin. footprints? it’s supposed to be like this. who are you to tell me it’s all gone mad? it’s supposed to. it happens all the time, it’s just that you weren’t there last time. I was. I was a camel.

hanging inches from a pie

guess who’s coming? it’s not physically possible but it’ll keep me going for at least couple of weeks. look over there. the bit at the front is just horrible. never mind. back on track and back to the box. cough. excuse me madam

it was so nice I just had to slip out for an hour and lurk around the bus stop trying to find tattoos, which was easy, but the sun was in the wrong place so they all looked like I’d masked them out on purpose, which they deserved, but it doesn’t make my book bigger. there’s a son for sale next door. he’s been up before but the angels spake and he hid under the carpet of spiritualism until 760044.

wah wah. hat. fast pace. see you down the pub. I never knew it was so big. of course, there it is. you know those people who decide to wear drainpipes on their stick-thin legs and cap their feet with converse? that’s you that is.

it was a lovely day for a wedding but that car was just stupid. there you go, tottering into the workshop with your brick and bangles. and you’re driving too fast. inexplicably everything stopped for moment and a red fiesta with a cherry on top reversed into the resident’s parking spot and out popped the biggest hair in christendom but she looked nice, not like that lot. ah, I see you got one of those ‘this is not a bag’ bags. stick it on ebay. ooh, your hair’s not as big as I thought. it must have been windy.

derailed unfunny conversation

ponderously engaging with spreadsheet drivel wasn’t exactly the mirthfest we might have imagined but it seems we have been assimilated into the larger corporation whereby the key players do what they do what they do what they do. I had the dream again about crawling across el camino real and ending up in wendy’s for the rest of my life wearing a namebadge that just says ‘widget’ and people just stand in front of me saying ‘can I have it like that? (you can have it like that)’. it was spliced with the one about sideburns and buicks.

enough already. if I’m going to have to do real work it’ll be all mine. you can borrow it. but don’t kick it over mr ellis fence because he’ll stick a nail in it and put it in the bin, laughing maniacally to himself as his wife washes the sheets in the bath. it’s my turn. this is the last time you’ll have the chance. I saw manic street preachers last night and didn’t even go down the front because I’d just got back from the tower of london. does that make sense? we don’t have time for this now, so don’t go over all that again, it like we do every week. tsk.

I can do all that for nothing. stop spending my money.

gravity hammers

this is a reminder for your pm call on may 18 at 21:00 PT where you’re on the agenda to screech up on the kerb in your peugeot 406 taking out a couple of pavement cyclists and loitering in the residents spaces until the daily mirror starts curling up at the edges and every fragment of that cracked lunchbox gets sucked into the e430 whereupon all three spaces are filled and a thousand gravity hammers strike the black door into which you just eloped with your stomach and sunglasses I hope you never get your hands on the money that wouldn’t be right now. I used to have a roofbox. it was huge. but I couldn’t get into the multi-storey car park in brighton so we drove back to the garage and left it there when we sold the house no not really I can’t even remember. 3 stars.

over the road, up on the hill, facing the garden, the blanket shutters haven’t come down for a while. soon there’ll be busloads of scraming oafs over there, manging about the pub garden and licking the dirt off their fingers. oh my god. a tank top.