Things what I writ

I sometimes write nonsense about things to try and sound clever

spam @ mydomain

have you got 1 email address? mwwwuuhahahaahaha. I’ve got billions. I mean, I’ve got a few. well, a few hundred. no, they’re not used to send out bulk gubbins about 1-armed trouser bankers with real estate erection problem lovely 27 girl you like bulgaria pharmacy emily bronte passage v1agr4 authenticate bank proble you log in here crumpled logo snatch. they’re there to stop bulk gubbins about canadian housewares pr0n one-time only special deal business card winner today only personal loan monkey botherer african dirigible implosion banknote fluttering economy bank details please little girl sad story muggings russian syndicate omega chronograph w1n!

since I was a little internet boy all I ever wanted was a domain so I spent all my pocket money on one and immediately blathered loads of meaningless crank to anybody looking for a teasmaid. but, the side-product of being your own domain oligarch is that you can have as many identities as you blummun well like so since day 1 whenever I have entered, registered, purchased, submitted, contributed, discussed, forwarded, passed on, subscribed, or otherwise provided an identity relating to an email address, I’ve created a unique identity. I mean, I’m still me, but the path to my door is slightly different every time. so, even though they are mostly redundant, one-off, single-use, special offer email addresses, there are a few which map to the identities I use most frequently for things like logging in to blog clients to tell people how clever I am that I have unique identities to log in to blog clients.

the benefit and the point of this is that as soon as a unique address becomes a spam target I have the opportunity to deep-six that address and start over with another, but more interestingly, I get to see exactly which of my accounts are the ones that attract the spam in the first place which raises some interesting questions about how those addresses get passed on, when they’re unique to a service, community, business or organization with whom I’ve registered. some I might expect to get infiltrated via a careless bint on a user-created alias that’s left their outlook express client wired into the nigerian backbone. some others just send corporate spam from selected partners and mostly unselected partners who have weaseled their way onto a mailing list they probably bought from a bloke down a back passage. it’s the email addresses that don’t have any reason to be exposed that are the interesting ones. those ones that I have used to register for a service but that are not made public. in theory, the ones that are between me and a specific company, but are used solely by that company and not shared. I know it’s simply not true. and I know which companies have shared it somehow, knowingly or otherwise. and it’s not necessarily the companies you might expect. most recently (i.e. today) it was the company I would least expect and like the most that has somehow let my unique email address known only to them to be shared with someone who, via, via, thinks I might have a bank account with Royal Bank of Scotland AND Nat West AND National Westminter AND Abbey AND Barclays AND Yorkshire Bank and need to be aware of a security error that requires me to update my personal details for ALL of them at the same time. I mean, I’ve seen some convincing spam related to banking before, but this ain’t it.

suffice to say, I’ll be changing the email address I use with the not-aforementioned organization today, but I know at least hundreds of people who will likely get the exact same spam, but won’t know how they got it and won’t be able to do anything about it but will soldier on bravely with that and the other 199 spam emails a day they get to their single email address. that’s just the way the internets is though hint it.

facebook: you spammer you is

oops. I appear to have triggered the magic number of posted items on facebook. I am now officially a spammer. I had the temerity to post 100 items I had created myself to my own profile, thereby inflicting misery and pain upon all those 73 people who I paid large sums of money to to agree to be my bestest friends ever on the internet. most of them haven’t logged in since 2007, but I apologise unreservedly for ruining their lives forever.

I was, in fact, only warned that I was probably a spammer, not categorically accused of it as such, but, I was warned with a big red popup screen which said something like “OI! SPAMMER! HOW DARE YOU!”, notwithstading the fact that I politely decline about a zillion requests a day to add applications to my profile that allows anyone in the known world to look at my particulars and send videos of dogs wearing underwear to my email and then tricks me into sending it to the united nations when I thought I was just moving along.

I wonder what the threshold is for actually being blocked from posting my own stuff to my own profile, for that was the threatened next action therein contained in the insidious red box. “DO THAT ANYMORE AND WE’LL CUT YER BALLS OFF”, or something like that. they don’t actually tell you what the threshold is in the faq section specially prepared for spammers, that you’re forwarded to, like a ‘private interview room’ at the airport reserved for ‘people with beards’ who ‘talk funny’. they just let you know that if you carry on, you deserve it. which I suppose I do. how dare I.

Spam Me Gently

I normally get a reasonable amount of unsolicited offers for make her saTisfy you wanT prescription cheap online! and insurance I will never need via email. They even filter through the domain occasionally – congratulations to them – but they are, almost without exception, meaningless twaddle or borderline abusive. What a nice surprise then that this morning I got 38 emails forwarded from a) the comment system and b) the postmaster replying to bounces from the comment system sending to people who don’t work here anymore, that were all rather, well, polite in their spamness.

I’m sure others got them, although I didn’t check, and Igor was kind enough to let me know what was going on, but the basic message was something like “thanks you very much”. There were a couple of variants, like “That is nice”, or “thank you admin”, but overall, there wasn’t anything unpleasant in there. They were only trying to generate traffic back to their domains, bless ’em. I was kind of glad to help out, since they asked so nicely. Of course, after a few minutes, I rang Scotland Yard, replied to the sender with some vicious cease-and-desist, blocked their IP and did a reverse DDOS spam bucket mangle attack, which brought down the entire internet connection of Turkey, after which I felt better. Then I sent then a nice message saying “thanks you for your spam”.

I didn’t really do all that, of course. I’m a designer, not a programmer or a system administrator. I just looked at the comment system and thought “that’s table cell’s not aligned correctly”.

Listening Post: Primal Scream: Shoot Speed/Kill Light