Things what I writ

I sometimes write nonsense about things to try and sound clever

lasering my face

so I’ve got one of these, for doing proper stuff, and I’ve got a stacked one of these, for doing other stuff, but I’ve also got one of these, which is rubbish. I mean, if I’m trying to draw a layer mask round a dolphin in Photoshop, I want some control, right? I don’t want some rollerball full of dead skin stuttering across my diamondtron and lopping off fins with a single jerk. I want something that looks like it’s just been deployed covertly and that I can leer over in a grown-up middle class boy kind of way. I need something I can pretend they would use in Starship Troopers or something. In fact, what I need is one of these.

So I got one. A quick shifty over to ebuyer, where it’s 10% cheaper than anywhere else and I place an order. Except I want it so badly, I go for the ‘light speed’ delivery option at 8 quid, so that I can start using it yesterday. Still, it’s worth it. The dolphin looks great now. You can track any surface and it still works. Scratch it up and down and across my manky old face and it still glides across the screen, tracing out some strange ugly pointer trail. If you blink your eyes quickly enough, it looks a bit like Jesus. A bald Jesus with fat chins, but still pretty close.

Of course, when I have to admit to spending 60 quid on a mouse – which I do in the end – it all gets a bit messy. We haven’t eaten for a week and here I am dropping a few score on a rodent with eye lasers. I mean, it doesn’t go down too well, but hey, I’ve just tracked round a banana, and saved it as an Illustrator file. What more justification do you need?