Things what I writ

I sometimes write nonsense about things to try and sound clever

la la la I can’t hear you

oh, that’s good. I like that. yeah, do it again. lucky me, BT Business Broadband has gone down on me for the fourth time in a week. They had a run on wet conductive flanges at B&Q this week, so Dave the engineer didn’t have anything to stick the 01603 exchange back together again, did he? Well cockadoodle bloody doo. I hit the speed dial now occupied by the BT Business Broadband status line. “Welcome to your internet service status line for BT Broadband, updated at 3:05 Thursday the 28th of April. We are aware of a technical fault at the Norwich exchange, affecting dialling code 01603. Our engineers are currently working on the problem, but Steve had to go and get a Ginsters from the shop, and Darren is currently on his mobile, flogging a Celica to a hairdresser from Penge. We tried Gary, but he got a bad knee, so it doesn’t look much like that red light on your modem is going to turn green today. I’d do it myself, but I’m in a lap dancing club in Wapping”

I did make some of that up, but my red light is still on as I scratch these words into my arm with a screwdriver, and I’ve just thrown a melon out of the office window at two dogs biting their own ears off in frustration. it’s the timing you see. I mean, it’s only Norwich right? you don’t need t’interneht to be in a tractor pull or to just stand on the edge of the village green, slapping yourself in the face with a haddock and mumbling about your sister’s mum’s boyfriend’s Civic. no mate, but I’m trying to publish the globalization development kit for 37 countries you see? they wanted it last week, when your sodding service was disrupted for 3 whole mornings in a row, so now I’m still here, wondering where I go to Read More about Massively Scalable Sun UltraSPARC IV Servers, looking out the window at a recalcitrent hoofer flicking her mane over a lovebite, wondering when you might be so good as to let me get online to see what Olga in the Ukraine needs me to do for her. it’s not too much to ask. not at 100 quid a month. I’m not even losing revenue. you’re just making me look like a dolt when I have to phone people to get them to tell me the number of the conference call I need to attend where I can’t update you on your email because I can’t currently read it and the update I sent out earlier isn’t there but the stuff you want is here but, oh, I’m sorry, you can’t have it because I’ve run out of pigeons.

there is one part of the message which directs me to the helpful web site, which of course is about as useful as telling me that if I can’t start my car I should take it to the garage, but I’m not going to mention that, because it’s such a lame horse of a target. dammit! couldn’t stop meself. I know, I’ll power cycle the modem. that’ll fix the exchange. it won’t be quite as exciting as power cycling the W2110z, when I put it face down on the carpet, sit a hamster on thegrill at the back and watch it whoooosh out the window as Sun Java Workstation Über Fan kicks into life making that noise for 10 seconds that makes everybody duck. ah, I remember getting Mike’s old IPX back in 1994 and thinking that was an object of desire, but that thing couldn’t make toast like this brushed-aluminum harlot. ooh, you are awful, but I like you.

one of these days I’m going to cut you into little pieces

you hum it, I’ll play it. oh, I see, it’s like that. I got 1 thing to do today which is really 18 things which I have to put in 1 place, all chopped up and ready to go. I just had that lovely designer and the very lovely program manager give me everything I could ever wish for, and so I just need to extract the semantics and identify the local business requirements and goodness me, it’ll be like a barn dance where everyone drink’s Dad’s cider and falls into a trough with a pig holding their trousers over a bucket while Charlotte writes “feck!” in her web.

twould be troo if I could get down the 01603 exchange and just stick the 2 bits of chicken wire together that have apparently fallen apart and caused an entire city to lose internet access on and off for 2 days. I work from home. I’m 3 hours from the nearest office. Great. but it’s not me I’m worried about. Noone will believe me anyway, so I’ll just have to fit my entire 2 days work into an intermittent 2 hour window while some BT engineer has accidently enabled everything by squatting over a drain and conducting electricity through his dangling tools. From his tool belt. I’ll then have to send a hilarious email describing how I fell of my roof during a meeting of the Rod Hull fan club and so I’ve been offline for a bit and everyone will forgive me as they laugh uncontrollably into my performance review. No, the people who I’m really very concerned about are the ones who might have to get the dust sheets of their X5s and actually visit Tescos in person – rather than having the online order picked out by hand by Beverley Maggots, who’s washed her hands at least once this week and *thinks* that’s a Gala Melon – mingling with the chavs and mardy local gits from east of the city as they pick out their Organic Guacamole by squeezing in between Grant and Ashley who are sticking a Star Wars sticker book into the eyes of 4 year old David Rio Michael who’s standing up in the trolley tipping Walkers crisps over the side and pooing his pants just so he can get a slap and use it as an excuse to leave home at 14 and walk up and down my street scratching his name into the offside door of our Scenic.

quick check under the desk and I have 3 green lights on the Wireless Network 1250, which I’m expecting to all suddenly go off any minute just after Jensen Button has jump started from row 6 and everything will be irrepairably broke for the rest of the day. I’ll have conference calls of course, but I’ve got no idea what number to call as all the details are kept on my Sun Java System calendar, which is on the other side of my Cisco VPN client which is installed on my Windows XP which is running on my Sun Java Workstation W2100z which has a Broadcom NetXtreme Gigabit Ethernet card which has a ethernet cable coming out of it which is connected to my Netgear RP614 router which has a cable coming out of it which is connected to my Wireless Network 1250 modem which has a phone wire coming out of it which is connected to the first BT box on my wall which has a hamster behind it who has won a free holiday for 2 weeks or a telly or 50 quid cash, and he’s been calling a premium rate number for 17 hours and started chewing his own foot off to escape. aah.