Things what I writ

I sometimes write nonsense about things to try and sound clever


corporate meetings for beginners

You just click on you name an then go to that menu on the left. no, the top. Hang on… So, I select my name, right and what? Go to the menu and select ‘make me great’. I don’t have that option. Oh. No. Wait. I need to make you great so you can share your greatness. Wait a minute here… Ok, you should be great now. Well, I have a circle next to my name, does that make me great? Erm, I think so. Try to do something great. Ok, what like? Try sharing your greatness with the rest of us. Ok, hang on, share…um…greatness! Right. Do you see my greatness. Oh, no, wait. I’ve got a popup. It says I can’t be great because its not my meeting. You need to make it my meeting before I can share my greatness. Is yours still there? No, its downloading an update of itself. Oh, right, so what about you? It rebooted my computer. Oh. Do you own the meeting yet? Um…well..I have a square next to my name now. Not a circle? No, a square – with a circle in it. What colour is the circle? Its blue. And the square? That’s blue as well. What? And the circle is inside the square? Yeah. Never mind. Do you see greatness on the menu now. Hello? Are you there? I think they’ve gone. Hell – Hello? Sorry, I was on mute hahaha. Ok, it says I now own the meeting and so I’m going to share…greatness! Ok. Go! Right. And now I see your desktop, is that right? No, we should see yours. Well, I can see mine. Yes, but that’s your desktop. That’s behind the share app. What share app? The one you’re trying to share your greatness with. OOHH. I SEE! Right, wait, I get it now. Hang on..

click. click click click. taptaptap tappy tap tap. click….

click. tap tap tap tap tap tapapapapa tap tap tap. click……

Oh. Um. Its asking me to download version I can’t share my greatness with this version. It says it will only take 30 seconds. Wait a sec…

click. click. 7 minutes life vacuum.

Ok. I have to reboot to finish the installation. Is there another agenda item that we can go to while I get this working? I’m really sorry. I’m not really very familiar with this application. Ok, well, we’ll move on to the next item and come back to you when you have th – BEEP BEEP BEEP. What? Hello? Oh. I think we lost her. Right. Ok. Never mind. Let’s move on to the next item in the agenda, which iiis….let’s see…yes. Video conference with Singapore and the UK. Let’s see, we’ve got 5 minutes left, so let’s go ahead and try the video. Does everyone know where the video conference room is? Right, its in building 7. You just go out the lobby, get in your car and drive to building 94 and it’s on the second floor. The room’s called ‘Ozark Mountain Daredevils’ or something.


v600 n80 tca151em go!

travelogue 18
travelogue 18 by Tim Caynes

I didn’t just drop off, honestly, I mean, I know you won’t believe that vodafone decided to take away it’s network coverage and go home in a huff with it’s ball under it’s arm at 11 o’clock just as Bernard was about to point out some nice pictures I made of french people transacting with Sun via the funky localized teleweb experience but that’s just the way it was I mean I threw the n80 out the window and dug the v600i out from under a pile of reciepts from mexican restaurants in colorado and rammed the charger in it’s bottom and dialled the at&t number but nope it was still vodafone’s fault but it had taken 5 minutes to work that out so you’re all now thinking I either went to another meeting at 11 and just dropped you rather rudely or I got so bored by straining my ears to pick up the subtle tones of Han wandering around a conference room rearranging post-it notes into a deliverable that I simply hung up but not true, I was at that point untangling 13 feet of headphone cable so that I could ressurrect skype which I ditched months ago and try that instead except that took about 2 minutes to connect to the account server and when I finally dialled the number which takes an unfeasably long time when you’re clicking on a dialpad with a mouse, for some reason, I got through to a strangled beep and a whoosh of undersea cables trying in vain to support an audible conversation between 2 peers but in fact just painfully failing to do so in a head-stuck-in-a-bucket kind of way even though I shouted and I’m not sure whether you heard me at all but apologies if I blew up the starphone and so I, as a last resort, decide to try a landline. can you imagine? a landline? anyway, I got through on that no problem, although I could barely hear mrs at&t and then I remembered why I ditched the landline in the first place because after 17 handsets and 14 headsets I just couldn’t hear anybody with any of them and so this time I’m screwing up my face trying to hear if I’ve actually pressed a number on the keypad and eventually I hit the ‘pound key’ and am greeted by that exquisite phrase that tells you you’re either early for once, you need to press the star key now, or you’ve hopelessly misunderstood the instructions on the email and you should have been here yesterday at 10 pacific not 10 GMT, so in this case it means you’ve hung up on me because I obviously couldn’t be polite enough to excuse myself from the call but I couldn’t you see because I lost my network connection and I couldn’t send a text to Andy to let him know and as we’re in the UK, nobody takes their laptops into the conference room so I couldn’t even IM Chantelle to let her know what a hopeless case I am so I thought I’d just install performancing for firefox instead and give up on the day after I’ve wasted half an hour writing this to find out that I’ve got the xmlrpc settings wrong and when I submit, firefox will encounter a serious problem that will require it to close but not before it’s asked me why I think it’s just died on me, taking my new performancing plugin with it and a whole bunch of drivel to the page fault in the sky so actually what I’m going to do is open NOTEPAD and do a copy and paste of this entire thing before I, uh, hang on…


dont touch anything

something will break soon. please don’t fiddle. I’m sat in my office in the UK, hooked up to skype listening to the folks in california on the audio stream while they’re demoing stuff on local servers that I’m watching on a VNC session via my Firefox which is on the Sun network via VPN and I’m watching the VNC session on the video stream in a Real window on the desktop next to the actual VNC session while a webcam is transmitting a video stream of my typing this nonsense into the other desktop while I’m uploading to flickr and downloading the presentations from the collabspace and I’m backing up everything on the network hard drive while I’m batch filtering some lomo in photoshop.

I’ve not been to the bathroom for 6 hours in case one of those things stops working, so I’ll just have to hang on another couple of hours until Jonathan drops by and then I’ll probably try and say something english and witty, but skype will do the annoying thing it does and drop the call after I’ve been on mute for a while and then start talking, and the VNC session will die and the video stream will stutter to a dribble and the webcam will give me that error with some hex number that means I’ve probably done something like pull the wrong face and the encoder threw up and then I guess to cap it all, I’ll get a 1 second outage on the DSL which won’t effect anything except the VPN session which will die like a dog and refuse to start until I reboot the w2100z which means making that industrial hairdrier noise on startup which wakes the kids up and I’ll probably have photoshop hang on me just as I’m applying some filter or other to a lomo shot that happens to have a woman in I don’t know but my wife will walk in at that precise moment and I will be frantically trying to turn off the monitor which won’t be suspicious at all and my night will be over.

I’ll go in a minute. really…

not bowling but drowning

yes I’m still on. all those other AT&T bips are other people dropping off. they must have something else really important to do, like get coffee and stuff. as I work from home and I’m an 8 hour timezone shift from you, its 22:30 here, here I’m just popping out for a kebab and a pint of stella before I come back after the break for the development roadmap discussion, where I shall get lippy and interrupt from across the atlantic, slightly delayed by skype, so that I never quite get my point across, which I’ve forgotten now anyway.

I’ve set up my webcam so that you can see if I’m still awake at around 1:00 am when Anil is talking, so if you can see the top of my tired old bald head instead of my quizzical corporate face, then please shout through the polycom and spark me back to life. even better, call me on the other office phone, which should be right next to my head, and watch me go apoplectic and wake up the children in the next room with some insane outburst. my wife is in bed already, and so noone will be poking me with a stick for a while, so please remain vigilant. I’m sure something important will come up at 7 hours and 59 minutes into the conference, so I’d hate to miss it. even if it’s just the directions to the bowling I can’t go to. dammit, chilli sauce on my keyboard. I hate it when that happens.



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