Things what I writ

I sometimes write nonsense about things to try and sound clever

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google web decellerator

I saved 8.4 minutes in the last couple of days with the google web accelerator. I got lots of nice hetfy underlines where I could go places for a fraction of a second less than I usually go even though I may have never been there before. I also got a rather nifty accelerator widget in my system tray which vroooms the dial all the way to the right when I loads a web page.

8.4 minutes. that’s pretty good. 8.4 minutes of my life back.

well it would be, if google dreg disseminator hadn’t then proceeded to hang my system every time I tried to reboot it in an endless cycle of ‘trying to start it so I can try and stop it’ which involves multiple head fractures against walls and a keyboard now bereft of keys since when I hoofed it against the wall in manic frustration. in the end I realized the only sensible option is to boot into safe mode and uninstall google head dismemberer which is impossible because you can’t run the installer (to uninstall) in safe mode but wait, I expect its just actually added a startup menu item oh god there it is.

so 8.4 minutes saved. 1.1 hours wasted. you owe me a keyboard.

crashing down to google earth

whew. thank goodness I removed that google pleb geronimator. now I can get on with stuff. just check to see if the computer comes on again this morning aaand…yes, ok. looks good. I realized I haven’t virus checked since 1974, so I do that and everything’s ok. ooh. might just quickly geotag that photo of half a range rover outside a medieval town house. lets get google earth running.

hmm. its a bit slow. um, I’ll just wait a couple of seconds to see if it wakes up a bit. ooh. that’s not supposed to happen, why’s my screen gone blank? oh, hang on, its back again. no, hang on, its gone, oh, no, there it is. oh

as the smashing pumpkins suddenly begin stuttering over the last line of 1979 and the fan goes bonkers I realize that not all is well in just-as-I-thought-it-was-alright computerland and in an unceremonious instant, everything stops and there is that half a second in between you hoping it hasn’t rebooted and the boot screen appearing where you hope it hasn’t just rebooted itself and taken all your InDesign docs with it but of course it has.

yes yes I know its probably not actually google web accellerator or google earth themselves that are forcing my hair from my skull in fist-sized clumps as I try and just get a computer to keep running but its them that are the big boys pushing, on threat of massive chinese burns, the little boys out in front of me to string a string across the 2 lamp posts I’m about to electronically cycle through. can you say uninstall?

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