Things what I writ

I sometimes write nonsense about things to try and sound clever

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take those elephant ears out

its just a tidy up job really as we just don’t have time to get to it and frankly we don’t have any idea what we’re doing when we get there. that’s why we lopped off all the good stuff in a fit of pique and left behind those horrible scrawny things that we want you to sort out. right, so take that down to there, take those out completely, get rid of that, do whatever you want to there, and take those elephant ears out and stick those dead rabbits in and we’ll see if it flies. in the meantime, I’ll be drawing the blinds and listening out for falling bricks and lime mortar as you rip the creepers from our frontage and say hello to the neighbours from the roof.

as the guttering collapses and swings across the office window, small and previously thought extinct animals drop to the flagstone and splatter across the lawn, while a barrage of tits careen into the chimney stack as their portakabin flies across the wall into the path of a nissan micra. from the undergrowth, an army of lemmings appears and runs to M&Ms where they throw themselves into the freezer blades, as a bearded ecology student reaches for a ginsters and a chocolate milk. elsewhere, a tortoise from 1947 wakes up in the shrubbery just in time to be clattered by a stanley that’s taking out the stumps. having sought sanctuary in the hutch, next door’s dog is simpering away like a mule as it witnesses the carnage from between the cracks in a tarpaulin.

6 hours of this at 12 quid an hour and then its off to cambridge to tend to the folk festival. I can see your house from here.

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