I won’t be going out again for a while anyway so what’s to say that we can’t just have a week where you just sit in a dark room – like you do all day anyway – and work out what it is you’ve been doing for the last 5 years and then just do a presentation or something so that at least you can say you’ve thought about it really hard even though you know that it’s based on an ecommerce deliverable that doesn’t even have goalposts and a posiedon-sized mandate to deploy on the partner platform so actually, what we’re saying is that we know it’ll never happen but we’re saying it will in 2007 so that we can score at least once even though we’re ending up considering that we just do what we were doing 5 years ago anyway and just let everybody else do whatever they like, as long as we’ve collaborated on that decision and that, well, it’s their decision, not ours, even though we might actually be one and the same thing these days, and you know, I might just want to do something else.
tweak that thing you did before and we can use that anyway because it’s not really changed, right? I mean that’s still valid, right? well, if we say so, it’s valid. I’m not really sure whether that means it’s desirable, sustainable, or even implementable, but it’s certainly believable and of course, it’s got loads of pictures in so it’s also undeniable so I’d suggest we park this in the repository, put a link in the email, and then we’ll get together to work out what we’re doing next year instead before we find that we’re sucked into the black hole of interoperability or tripping over the cracked pavement of platform alignment or just getting a nasty chaff on the thigh of ARPU. either way, I’d say we call this an opportunity and just deliver a load of stuff. people like that.
yeah, so, like, essentially its like a, well, you know, you can just go do this right? try and think about it. it can be a really useful tool to drive the concepts and describe the real scenarios and investigate the problems we have along the way, right? or maybe you could have some intellectually overbearing dissection of the whole genre in relation to what you actually do when you sit munching doritos and hacking e8s which is porbably as valid an argument as saying that we can rationalize our toolbox while we add about 3 more and then just see how the whole thing scales when we drop the bomb onto the product IA and step back while the korean xerox machine goes into overdrive with dayglo ink and clown music in the background while a sober dutchman just sits in the corner saying ‘what the hell?’ to a box of matches that might just be struck up on the big fat cigar you’ve been saving for this moment. click. pull. remember that in the end the way that things are set up right now means that we can be totally random and we’re actually headed in that direction and however polite we are about scraping the business intelligence from under your chatting fingernails then actually you’re just going to have to respect the fact that we’ve already defined your key purpose today so thanks for your question, but you’re not allowed to ask that so get back in your hole and try buying something for once you cheapskate.
it does that to you. and I’m not even in trouble, except with myself
utilizing web traffic methodologies and integrated scoring systems to mine the unknown customers that we know we don’t know should allow us to create evaluations for known prospects across campaigns to develop cultivation programs and be able to categorize and influence the rating after we capture them to drive to specific microsites to nurture them and cumulatively compile the feeds into the algorithm across campaigns and keep that data centralized in the single repository but maintain the sub-tier for increased clickthrough. so you’re also adding the layer between followup and interest and so yes the possibilities for the visitors you don’t have are critical even though they’re not really invested in the interest curve but we could provide it. but that’s probably only to do with the acquisition process but we have to progress on the cultivation and revenue generation but I might say that being the vp.
the time you spend on that thing will be appended to the incremental data that forms part of the discovery process and brings us to the qualification where we’re going to understand and be interesting to know about the specifics of how we want to manage the feeds and we are able to do that lookup but if we don’t use it then we’ll rate it but we’re not going to lose it so let’s not think about missing the deal but we have to wait and wait and wait until you tell us as much as we need to know just to know who you are and so what you’re likely to do. so we’re not going to do it because actually, well, we’re just not going to but you’re not asking me the right way so I don’t know whether you’re asking me for it even though we know that between this and that you’re most likely to have been asking for something else, but in a different way, which we haven’t worked out what to do about yet.
next time we’ll be learning about funnels, but on mute
so I’ll set this up and we can drive it across all the strands of stuff because I mean we know just what we need to do but I’m not really sure that we quite know if there is a particular page we’re supposed to be colliding on because excuse us if we’re used to the morris 1100 haynes manual but we’re gonna have to get something straight by the close of business or we’ll all be at different layers. and yes, I’m still here.
I really didn’t expect to be ready to do any of this stuff yet but I understand just how critical it is to somebody somewhere because you’ve started to find out exactly what it is that they think their requirements are so I’m thinking that if we get something set up for 8am tomorrow then I guess we’ll have a strategy. oh, I know that’s not really a map to the standards but actually, in this case, we’re allowed to get it horribly wrong, so let’s just continue with the circles because they’re presented in a really logical order. if you’re still on the phone, I guess we can recap at this point. we dunno.
by this time webex is flashing my life before me, but with a 3 second delay, so I manage to pick out a couple of bits that I’d always wondered about and pinch myself before the virtual truck hits and maybe I’ll catch the end of the champions league or maybe say hello to the rest of the family as they close the bedroom door that I opened the last time I saw them this morning.
I’ve still got an hour on thursday I haven’t filled. how about that?
I’m thinking that we’d thought about that one but you know, I just can’t remember so we should probably think about it as open unless you find what you were looking for but wait, that’s it, it was there all the time I’m sorry it must have just slipped through the net somehow like a lot of things do. anyway its the same problem as the other problem and I do know what we’re doing about that one so if you don’t mind waiting until 2008 then I think we’ll be about ready to deploy the first phase of many phases which might not happen after the first phase becomes the last phase and we change the business model and decide we actually don’t need to build it ourselves but hmm we can’t work out who else might build it for us and look its 2007 so I think I might just slip out this door and change my job title so actually if you look closely I’m not actually remotely accountable for that anymore because now I do this instead, see? but I do understand the problem, of course I do. its just that, er, I have to go now
we’ve set the implementation date already so even if you don’t know what I’m talking about it’ll happen anyway and I know you’re all interested to know exactly how we came up with that decision but I can assure you that it was based on a very long list of important things in my head which were relevant and critical at some point and we also happen to have someone there who happens to be doing something else with a similar sounding name so we should expect to be able to leverage some of that groundwork and at least excuse ourselves in the knowledge when it comes to it we really couldn’t forsee the confusion that would have been caused by overlapping programs with the same name happening at the same time in the same place being resourced and managed by completely different business units in the same company who are actually in the office next door but I don’t talk to them because, well, I don’t really like the way they look at me.
I’ll put some kind of agenda together. and then go on holiday.
you stay loyal to a company and you like a little in return, I mean, any company wants a dependable repeatable revenue stream even if it’s just the kind that comes in once a year because the product just failed outside the warranty or I’d broken it myself by being a clumsy arse. so then ideally you’d expect a technology company to provide support services to individuals who buy their products via integrated and intelligent web venues because we all know that people who buy technology products can’t speak to real people on the phone. especially if the people on the other end of the phone are girls.
having added a couple of bits to my ever-expanding brushed aluminium sony garage sale recently I figured I might register these things online like the registration docs tell you to in order to get the extra benefits of indirect marketing campaigns you didn’t realize you’d agreed to by clicking the submit button. this will be easy because I’m already registered with the MySony and SonyStyle web sites so they know all about me.
if I have to explain how painful the next 3 hours of my life were, you probably use the phone instead. if I didn’t even need to tell you that the next 3 hours were painful then you’re probably working in a techology company wondering why its taken 10 years to do single signon and it still isn’t there yet.
I think we can do this tomorrow right I have the morning and probably some or most of the afternoon before I leg it back to the airport where that same woman as last time does the fast track BA check in except this time she’s not a new clerk and so hopefully I won’t have to tell her how to do it and where the homeland security stand is where I’ll have to leave behind some stem cells or something before I can buy an ice cream except this time it’s moved next to the BA gates and there’s another scary looking DIA staff member placing my body parts on the scanner before I can go to the bit in the middle of the departure lounge where you just walk round in circles for ages wondering where the rest of the departure lounge is until it slowly dawns on you that this is all the departure lounge and what’s wrong with it just being a stairwell anyway?
perhaps we can do 10 til 12 and then maybe add a 12 til 1 and add it to the end until 3 but you know I’ll really have to get going then and I agree it’s valuable use of my time here to sit next to a whiteboard and scribble the meaning of user experience life because we don’t often have all these brians in one room, especially a room where have a big enough whiteboard to solve the services into ecommerce problem but then maybe we’ll do that later because right now we should probably start to think about actually what the scenarios are that are applicable to folks in the yemen who really want to interact with us via the web to control their account information and download service plans but they actually want to do it in spanish with yen prices because that’s an acceptable local business model apparently and anyway who’s to say the yemen isn’t a growth market for us, oh, you do. so let’s just do a french person in france buying stuff in euros shall we? can we do that? oh.
right, I do really have to go now and pack up before tomorrow because I’m checking out in the morning and I’m due to go out to some place where the pope’s head spins around and spits chianti at you while cheerleaders bark around the sistine chapel and so I’m not anticipating being particularly clear headed in the morning when I have to navigate web tv to avoid breathing over the concierge when I want to check out without checking out so I’ll see you in the morning. I feel tired all of a sudden.
“you wanna have your 5 year old technology platform and migrate onto our content services architecture and keep all your functionality intact because your director likes the way that he can generate a report that nobody reads? yeah. ok, have a nice day! bye! it ain’t gonna happen” and “it’s about standard practices and technologies and even if we’re not 100% there, we’re 90% there which is what we can deliver now and, oh, by the way you ain’t ever gonna get that 10%, right? oh, you want 50% of that 10%? sorry. have a nice! bye!” and “you’re the business you should be telling us” and so on.
having spent the morning in the hotel room finishing off the 3 slides I spent until 3:04 am trying to finish last night this morning I made the mistake of uploading the finished presentations to the collabspace via the hotel broadband link which has an upstream capability of around 2 bytes an hour or something and so I spent 40 minutes just watching a logo twizzle round on the top corner of a browser until what is left of my hair was scattered liberally around a gideon bible having been dragged from my scalp through the unbearable tension of network stasis and a desperate urge to just jump out the window. but it did upload eventually and I made a tom cruise mission impossible type disconnect/unlink/snapshut laptop move and dashed out the room into the maid who was just putting something unsavoury into a yellow plastic bag that said ‘medical’ on it and down the elevator and slid manaically across the hood of the suzuki gelatin like starskey always used to do at the beginning of starskey and hutch, or was that hutch, no, he did that thing where he jumped off a wall and landed on his arse on the hood of a car. I had planned to meet up casually with some colleagues to break into the 4 days ahead, but now I was going to have to screech around Interlocken Everdecreasing Loop like an idiot, leg it up to the lobby of building 5 at which point I will pass out in a sweaty white heap because I always do at the lobby of building 5 and then I’ll get lost for 20 minutes looking for a meeting room called Yellowfoot Beaver Catastrophy or something which I will eventually find by walking past it 3 times while everybody inside wonders why I’m just walking past 3 times and so I’ll stumble through the door just as somebody is reaching a climax and it’ll take all my powers of being a stupid english person to ingratiate myself with a bunch of folks who have been in this room for an hour already and really would rather be writing taglibs or something.
“think of it as a utility subscription convergence services architecture model. if you can” and “so there are really 3 parts to it. no, 4. yes so there’s the, oh, hang on, 5 parts. 5? what’s the fifth part. I though we weren’t going to, oh, right. anyway, so, there’s 5 parts to the basic…what? right, I see. so, the basic 4 parts…” and “so, back to the presentation here, this is how I see our cascading delivery model for our service orientateted model thing which is what it really is, right?” and “aha, you see, that is correct, but I wish to understand how one should begin to test that which we have no means to determine whether the potential outcomes are dependent on the allocation of and development of and attribution to, per se, those suites to which we do not yet have developement schedules against those to whom the testing will be the test of the testing under which we should be managing the scope of the discussions here pertaining to that which is preventative but untested” etc. after 4 hours of that with the occasional “we’re all shareholders, right?” I was ready to turn my back on another day and discuss things like sausages and hummers over dinner instead and so retreated to the flex space at the end of the universe for a while, plugging and unplugging ethernet cables to nowhere for about 20 minutes until I got one that got me connected and my battery died, laughing.
so that means you have a list of things that you can do something with like we can take it and then we have to put it through the rules that make it come out the other end as something else. or its actually just a catalogue of things that we can use to build other lists of things that we can use to just describe what we’ve got and then work out what we do with it. but really its a database of mutiple indexes that just describe everything that’s out there which mean we can query it in multiple ways to generate results that are relevant across different experiences. but perhaps we don’t have to do anyting with it, but we don’t know that yet because we don’t know what’s in it because we can’t build it because we don’t know what’s out there because we don’t know what the user experience is and that might be redundant because its about the content but we don’t actually need to do any localization because that’s a different kind of index. right?
well that’s the kind of question we need to be looking at and we know that there are inconsistencies and anomolies but we don’t know what they are because we don’t know where they are even though we know what they are there because I think we own the strategy on that and so of course its on our roadmap I just don’t have the roadmap right now, it’s in the index.
don’t make me change that. it took me ages. just because you don’t follow that particular product life cycle process doesn’t mean you can’t understand what I’m saying. I mean, of course its cock full of subsections that I didn’t even understand myself, but I filled them in and made them all look like they were valid and important, so you should at least read them. you know you want to. I crafted them lovingly in my usual prose-heavy way so that its less of a program management document, more of a novel, with compelling characters, engaging storyline and a startling and unexpected twist. alright, its only describing FY06 globalization activities and the business process changes and platform enhancements, which doesn’t sound very exciting, but don’t let that put you off. I mean, Enigma. that was about a typewriter, right? the Da Vinci Code. that’s all about puzzles or something. so, it doesn’t sound very interesting, but get into it and by page 17, you’ll be spilling your coffee into your lap with your jaw hanging open like you’ve just witnessed the second coming. you’ll have some kind of revelation on the path the monetization.
except I haven’t finished it yet. naturally. its friday.
